We Aren't the Same
by TheDerpyKatsuChan
Summary: Kyle shares his deepest secret with his closest friends. It changes everything for them. Stan confesses his love to Kyle, Cartman disappears altogether, and Kenny starts distancing himself and ends up with selfdestructive habits. Many years down the line, Kyle and Stan are struggling, and Kyle reaches out for Kenny again. K2, STYLE, STENDY, minor CRYLE & CREEK. Ftm transgender Kyle
1. We Aren't the Same

Kyle's POV:

Cartman said it again today. He said that I have sand in my vagina... I know that he's only joking, but sometimes I wonder if he actually knows. If he has figured it out. If he has realized how wrong I am. How disgusting I am. And if he does know, do the others know too? Did he tell them? That I'm not really one of them...

I'm not actually a real boy. I'm transgender. I was born as a girl, my birth name is actually Kylie. For as long as I can remember I've never even once felt like a girl. My parents decided to let me transition to being a boy when they noticed how uncomfortable I was, already at age 2. At first it was only small changes, like letting me wear pants instead of skirts or dresses and making me dress more like a boy in general. Within half a year they adapted to it completely and started calling me Kyle instead. They started referring to me as a boy. I don't remember a thing from the time when I was identified as a girl. To me I've always been Kyle. I'm the little girl pretending to be a boy. I'm stuck in an unwanted body.

The only people who know are my parents. Everyone else believes I'm a real boy as of now.

Whenever Cartman asks if I have sand in my vagina it's like a punch in the face. It's a reminder of how sick and wrong I actually am.

* * *

I stand in front of the mirror and I just look at myself. I'm completely naked and bare, and I can see everything that I hate and wish to change. Sometimes I just stand here and stare at my disgusting and wrong body, as if that would make it go away. It never does.

I can hear a knock on the front door from downstairs. A little while later I hear my mother yelling.

"Kyle! Your little friends are here!"

"I'll be there in a second!" I yell back and quickly get dressed again before running down the stairs. Cartman, Stan and Kenny are already sitting on the couch in the living room when I get there.

"What took you so long?! Were you finally trying to get that sand out of your vagina?" Cartman asks and then laughs. I just stare at him for a few moments. Today is not a good day for this. All my emotions start to bubble up and the thought of how horrible I am gets too much. I just stand in the middle of the floor, being speechless, for a few seconds as I feel my eyes starting to water and tears fall down my face.

"Kyle?" Stan says with a worried voice which snaps me back to reality. I wipe my eyes with my shirt sleeve.

"I don't have any sand in my vagina, Cartman." I tell him while looking straight into his eyes before I turn around and run upstairs. I run into my room and lock the door behind me. As soon as the lock clicks I slump down on the floor and lay in a fetal position while continuing my sobbing. I hear the guys walking up the stairs. Soon after I stop hearing the footsteps there's a knock on my door.

* * *

"Kyle?! Are you alright?" I can hear the worry in Stan's voice as he talk.

"Geez... You don't have to get so offended cause I was joking... Stupid Jew..." I hear Cartman mumble. That's when my temper can't last any longer. I pick myself up, wipe my face off and then slam the door open. The three of them stands there outside my door looking completely dumbfounded... I open my mouth and...

"CARTMAN YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME, FATASS!" He looks at me with surprise in his eyes.

"I don't understand why though... All I said was that you have sand in your vagina..." He answers.

"Do you wanna know why? Do you really wanna know why?" The three of them nod, almost in synch. "Fine then... This is a secret so don't ever let anyone know..." I say and step aside to let them into my room. They all silently walk over to my bed and sit down on it. I close the bedroom door and take a deep breath. In one swift motion I remove my shirt. My green hat falls off my head at the same time. The three boys look at me as if I'm crazy.

"Kyle? Why are you stripping?" Kenny asks with a confused look in his eyes, his orange hood muffling his speaking.

"You'll notice in a few seconds..." I tell him while unbuttoning my pants. I turn around so they can't see my front when I take the pants off.

"I'm not like you..." Is all I say before I turn back around, completely naked and exposed in front of them. They look at me, all of them seeming incredibly dumbfounded. Stan just stares, with a faint blush on his cheeks for some reason, Kenny seems completely out of it and doesn't even notice when his hood falls off his head, and Cartman's expression is weird, just plain weird.

* * *

I feel so ashamed and I am gross, which they probably think I am too, so I turn around and fumble after my clothes. The silence is broken by Cartman saying something really stupid.

"There's no sand in it for real right?" He says. "OUCH! THAT HURT KENNY!" I then hear him yell.

I turn around in confusion and see Kenny towering over Cartman with a mad look in his eyes. Cartman is clutching his stomach. Kenny hit him?

"You can't just say something like that! It's really offensive!" Kenny tells Cartman. There's a faint smile on my lips. Kenny still has my back. Kenny doesn't hate me. It's strange hearing his voice not being muffled, but it's even stranger hearing him being this furious.

"Don't tell anyone about this..." I say as I pull my jacket back on.

"Of course not." Kenny answers with a small supportive smile, before glaring at Cartman.

"God... I hate you Kenny..." Cartman says before getting up and starting to leave.

"Don't worry Kyle. I won't tell anyone about this... IF YOU SUCK MY BALLS!" He then starts laughing. He earns another punch in his fat stomach from Kenny and then he escapes the room. Cartman probably won't tell anyone though... I have a feeling Kenny wouldn't be very nice to him if he did say something... I realize that Stan has been sitting there staring at me quietly this entire time.

* * *

"Stan?" I carefully ask, looking at him while he just stares out into the empty air. A blush is still tainting his cheeks. When he hears my voice he blinks a few times and looks up at me.

"Yeah?" He asks.

"I'm sorry... I-I... Uhm... Sorry for not telling you sooner." Stan smiles at me, in a not so convincing way, before speaking.

"It's alright. You're still the same Kyle after all." He tells me.

"Yeah!" Kenny agrees, now pulling his hood back up over his head. "Nothing really changes just cause you're transgender. You're still our friend!" He says cheerfully.

"Thank you so much guys, I answer, feeling overwhelmingly happy. They don't hate me, they don't think I'm disgusting. I'm just Kyle. Trans or not, I'm just Kyle to them.

* * *

Stan's POV:

Kyle is a girl... No. Kyle isn't a girl. Kyle is biologically female, but not really a girl. Kyle is Kyle. My head is spinning. I can't make sense of what's going on around me at all. I just stare out into the empty air. It's weird. All I

can think of is how beautiful Kyle is.

It was really unexpected. Kyle doesn't look like a girl at all. Not even his body... Well... Except for THAT part... Moving on... I guess it'll change when puberty hits. It makes me sad. Kyle is probably already struggling a lot, desperately wanting to just be a regular guy. But in the future it'll be worse. I'll try my best, I'll support him and stay by his side. Kyle is Kyle. He's still just Kyle. The same person. He's still the same guy that I like.

I know that I'm with Wendy already, and I like her, I really do, but it's not the same way as it is with Kyle. It's not really going anywhere with Wendy. It's not that there's anything wrong with her, I just don't love her that much. In the beginning I was so in love with her that it was ridiculous, but that faded pretty fast and it ended up like this. I should break it off with her but I feel like I can't. I don't want to hurt her. But there's something about Kyle that makes my heart flutter. His smile lights up my day... It's really cheesy, I know... I'm being stupid. There's no way. Ever. I fell in love with my super best friend. A pretty retarded thing to do. It's disgusting even. Kyle would never look at me in that way, would he? But I still need to tell him soon. I feel like this secret is suffocating me and I really need to get it off my chest.

* * *

Cartman's POV:

So Kyle is actually a chick. HA! Hilarious! It was shitty enough that he's a Jew but, a girl too? HA! She really needs to get the sand out of there though...

And oh my god... I hate Kenny so much! Doesn't let me tease the little Jewish bitch. Why don't they ever let me have fun?! Well... Those idiots can go suck my balls for all I care.

Screw you guys I'm going home.

* * *

Kenny's POV:

It was strange. Seeing Kyle like that. Seeing Kyle standing there, being so desperate and sad. I just wanted to reach out and hug him. Tell him that it's okay. That it's alright. That I'm there for him and that he's still the same to me. I want to hug him close and never let him go. But I can't really do that.

He'd think I'm being really gay and then he'd get grossed out and hate me. It's not that I'm gay. I don't think I am... I'm only gay for Kyle. But I'll keep quiet about it. For the good of our friendship. And cause I don't really deserve love anyway. I'm just the poor, loser kid that no one really likes after all. Kyle is just too beautiful for me.


	2. You Again

Kenny's POV:

I wake up as the sunlight seeps through the broken, old, orange curtains in my room. I rub my eyes and sit up slowly. 9 years ago. How could I ever forget? Today it's been 9 years since that day, when Kyle showed us that he is trans. That event made a lot of things in our lives different. It changed us. Even though I thought it'd still be the same. I really thought that we could go back and just be us again. Just stay friends all four of us. It didn't turn out like I thought.

I walk into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I still have the same dirty, blond mess on my head, I still have the same empty blue eyes, I'm still the same as I was 9 years ago. Just a bit more grown up I guess. I'm 18 now after all. But there still hasn't been much of a noticeable change in me. My face looks a bit older and I got a bit taller. But not much though. I'm still kinda short. I'm only about 165 cm tall. At the age of 12 almost all of the boys around me were at least 5 cm taller than me. Even Kyle was taller. He still is. Many of the girls got taller than me too. I'm really skinny, like I've always been. But that's how it is when you're poor. I'm lucky if I get more than one meal each day. I go hungry a lot, but I never say a word about it. Not to anyone.

* * *

I wash my face and then I try to brush my hair, but I give up right away since I know my hair won't look any different afterwards. It'll still look gross and unkept. I always look like that anyway so there's no real point. I brush my teeth and then I leave the bathroom. I grab the pair of old, worn out jeans that I bought cheaply at a second hand store years ago and put them on. They're way too long and they're rolled up at the bottom so I won't trip over them and fall over. I actually tripped over them and fell face first into the ground once. Got a pretty bad concusion and died shortly after. Such a worthy death, right?

I think I bought the jeans when I was 14. I still wear them almost daily. It's just a matter of time until they'll fall apart. The fabric is really worn and it already have several holes in it. But it's not like I have much other options when it comes to clothes. I grab the washed out, white t-shirt I wore yesterday and pull it down over my head... Done. That's what I look like every day. Like a hobo basically...

I grab my jacket and then I leave the house. This old, rotten house that just smells like booze and something else, something unhygienic. I can't put my finger on what it is though. Sometimes I don't know why I bother to ever leave the house. People just stare at me with their pitying eyes and I hate it.

* * *

As I start to aimlessly wander around the streets I wonder how Kyle is doing.

Even though South Park is such a small town I haven't seen him around in months. We don't really hang out anymore. I miss him. Whenever I see him it hurts. Because I love him. Because I love the bastard so much and my heart shatters every time I see his face.

I already know. I already know that he's happy with this other guy. Kyle does everything for that guy. He loves him and kisses him and fucks him. After he confessed to Kyle a little less than 9 years ago they started dating. Then Kyle stopped being Kyle after a while. At the age of 12 it was like he wasn't even an own individual anymore without his boyfriend. I hate it. I hate what he did to Kyle. I kept my mouth shut cause I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but if I had just decided to fucking tell him! It could've been me. I could've been the one to date Kyle. Or maybe that's just a stupid thought. I'm really disgusting and poor so I probably don't deserve love anyway.

As all these thoughts in my head pass by, I forget that I'm outside walking. I almost forget that I even exist in this world. I'm pulled back to reality when a soft, familiar voice says my name.

"Kenny...?" He says carefully from behind me. I spin around, already knowing who it is. After a split second of looking at him I can't take it. It hurts and I just wanna scream. Emerald eyes lock with mine for a few seconds. They're still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

* * *

In front of me stands Kyle Broflovski with an awkward expression on his face. I have a feeling that I have a similar expression on mine. Even though I didn't change much throughout the years, except that I stopped wearing that horrible orange parka every day, Kyle changed a lot. I was a bit surprised after puberty hit him. He didn't turn out looking as girly as I first imagined. I'm not that invested in the whole trans thing but he must've gotten something fixed, like some hormonal treatment maybe?

Kyle is now 172 cm tall. I envy him, I don't like being this short... Even though Kyle's not very skinny he isn't really muscular or chubby either. He looks normal weight, and he also looks so soft to me. It's strange. But his body is still relatively masculine. His red curls are as wild as ever, but he stopped wearing his old, green hat to cover them up, long ago.

He somehow ended up getting freckles on his cheeks. They're really cute. His face shape is somewhat angular, yet it still looks so soft. He doesn't look like a girl. He looks a little androgynous but still definitely like a dude. It makes me glad, that Kyle doesn't have to suffer that much cause of his appearance. If I had to point out something noticeably feminine about him it'd be the way his waist is slightly too slim and his hips are slightly too wide, but I think that's just another thing that makes Kyle beautiful. Also the very slight perkiness in his chest area where it shouldn't be. These things aren't noticeable at all unless you look really close and observe carefully, which I usually do. Today Kyle has bags under his eyes, so it seems like he didn't sleep very well last night. Whatever. Probably just stayed up late fucking his boyfriend.

Kyle wears a brown jacket today and it looks a little too big for him. I'm pretty sure it's actually his boyfriend's. I hate that jacket. I hate how it looks so beautiful on Kyle. I hate how it probably smells like the bastard who owns it. I hate how it can't be my jacket that Kyle is wrapped up in. Not that I own a single decent looking jacket but still...

* * *

I just stare at him for a few seconds before opening my mouth and answering.

"Kyle..." I simply say, in a calm voice.

"It's been a while... It's nice to see you again..." He tells me, while awkwardly playing with the too long sleeves on his jacket.

"Yeah... Same to you..." I answer with a small smile. What the fuck, he can't just come and tell me it's nice to see me again when he was the one who distanced himself from me in the first place. He hurt me and then left me behind cause he was in love, and I didn't matter anymore. But I'm gonna be nice. I don't want Kyle to dislike me more than he already does. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to call myself his friend again in a close future. I really hope so.

"So... How are you doing?" He asks with a gentle smile on his lips.

"I'm alright..." I lie. I feel like crap, like always. But I can't really tell him that. "So what about you? Everything going well with Stan?" I ask. He cringes a little at the mention of his boyfriend's name which makes me raise an eyebrow.

"Well... It's okay... Just goes a little up and down at the moment..." He answers with a sad and worried voice that makes my heart feel like it's gonna break. Yet it makes me happy and hopeful. If things aren't going that well between him and Stan that's an opportunity for me to get closer to Kyle again! It's selfish, I know...

* * *

Stan confessed his love for Kyle barely a month after it was revealed to us that Kyle was trans. Kyle was shocked at first but then agreed to start dating him. Stan left Wendy and the two boys became a thing. I tried to stay close to them and act the same as always but it was hard. It broke my heart every time they held hands, kissed or just acted somewhat loving towards each other. It still hurts. Every time I see them together.

Cartman stopped hanging out with us altogether after a while. He got sick of the lovebirds I guess. I can't blame him... Turned out that Cartman and his mom left the town and moved to New York when we were just 11. He didn't even tell us. He never said goodbye. One day Cartman was just gone. I think the last thing he said to me was actually "I hate you Kenny".

Then I just became the third wheel. Every single time. I desperately tried to bear with it and I tried to get to hang out with Kyle alone as much as possible. It was hard though. Since he and Stan were so inseparable. One time, at age 13, Kyle straight out snapped at me and told me I was too clingy and annoying. But all I wanted was some alone time with him, without Stan...

That's when I started distancing myself. When we were 13. We were still kinda friends and hung out in school but that was basically it. I started spending all my time, outside of school, locked up in my room alone. Except for those few times Kyle or Stan asked me to come with them to do something. But soon they stopped asking me...

At age 15, after two years of distancing myself from everything, I started to sleep around. I felt lonely and human contact was nice. Apparently a lot of girls thought I was cute which made it easy to get into their pants. It's been 3 years now and it's still the same. I usually just find a pretty girl to hook up with, fuck her for a few weeks and then we stop when the passion starts to die down, neither of us feeling bad about it. We both always know what terms we're on. I always make it clear that I only want sex when a girl asks me out, just so I don't hurt her feelings too much. Because I always feel nothing for them. I feel nothing for anyone except Kyle. Even if the girl I fuck is really nice and totally in love with me, I still feel nothing. And it's not like I deserve to be loved by anyone either so I just push them all away.

* * *

"Oh I see... Trouble in paradise?" I ask, feeling a little bad for Kyle.

"You could say that... Ehm... Kenny?" He says.

"Yeah what is it?" I say with a small smile on my lips. He's too cute so I can't do much else than smiling really.

"Ehm... Do you wanna hang out sometime? It's been awhile..." He looks like he's generally worried about my answer. He doesn't have to be though.

"Sounds great!" I answer with a big grin that shows my crooked teeth. I couldn't afford to get braces when I was younger and really needed them... "I'm basically always free anyway..." Fuck. Do I sound too desperate now?

"Awesome, how about tomorrow?" He asks, looking a bit more cheerful than earlier.

"Sounds good... Oh, and Kyle...!"

"Yeah Kenny?" The way he says my name sounds so beautiful in my ears.

"I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. About anything really..." I say, offering him as much support as I can without seeming too clingy.

"Thanks... Same to you... I'm here if you need me too." He answers with a small smile. My heart skips a beat at that. Kyle really cares for me. I just smile back at him. He takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at it.

"Oh crap! The time! I was supposed to meet up with Stan and now l'm late! I'm so sorry Kenny! I gotta go!" He says and starts jogging on the spot, prepared to run off at any second.

"It's alright!" I answer. "Hurry up or you'll be even more late."

"Yeah! Eh... Come to my house tomorrow at 12?" He asks while starting to run.

"Sure! See ya tomorrow!" I cheerfully answer and wave after him. He waves back a little before sprinting away as fast as his legs let him. I smile at how beautiful he looks while running.

* * *

I start to walk back in the direction of my home, since I don't feel like there's any point in being outside anymore. When I get back to my room I flop down on the bed and just stare at the ceiling with a smile on my lips.

I'll get to see Kyle again tomorrow. I wish that tomorrow would come sooner. I start to fall into a light sleep, while it's still only early in the afternoon.


	3. Separation

Kyle's POV:

I feel a bit bad cause I had to run off and leave Kenny behind. It was nice to see him again really. I was so stupid. I pushed him away from me so long ago and I was too fucking scared to try and get him back into my life. I was too caught up in everything that had to do with Stan. I changed. Suddenly he was all that mattered and I didn't notice that I pushed everyone else I cared for away from me. I made Kenny change too. He used to be happy and cheerful. He used to be really friendly and interested in hanging out with people. After I pushed him away he started to become really antisocial. And a while later girls started to appear at his house very frequently. It's my fault. I made Kenny become like this...

Everyone talks a lot about Kenny McCormick. The girls whisper a lot about him and it seems like almost everyone wants him. I can't blame them. He is really good looking, cute even, in a strange, rough way... Most guys are pretty confused about why girls like him so much... Some of them are even grossed out by him. He's poor and his hygiene isn't always that great. It wasn't today either. But I don't mind. I don't hate the smell really. Even though Kenny smells like sweat, cheap soap and booze. I know he doesn't drink. It's his parents that do. I've been at his house a couple of times and it always reeks of booze and something else. Something dirty. I'm not sure if I want to know what that is...

I feel sorry for Kenny. He can't help that he was born into a poor and dysfunctional family. I'm glad that I approached him today. I tried to reach out for him and he accepted it. He reached out for me too even. To me Kenny is a great person, no matter what anyone else says or thinks and I've missed him a lot.

* * *

I continue running, as fast as possible, towards Stan's house. I'm already late though so it doesn't really matter. Stan will probably be mad either way. It's not like he wasn't mad at me before though. I don't care. I need more space. After having been with the same person since I was a little kid I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. But after telling Stan that I need a bit more space and some time to think he just yelled at me.

He thinks I wanna dump him. That's not really the case! I love him, more than anything! I really do but... I don't know who I am as a person anymore. I just need to find that out again before I can properly be with him...

I arrive at Stan's house after a minute or two. I knock on the door and Stan opens it right away. He stares at me for a few seconds with his grayish blue eyes before he moves to the side so I can walk past him, into the house.

* * *

Stan has grown up so much since we were kids. That's to be expected though. But he looks older than 18... Maybe like he's in his mid twenties even. But I still look like I'm 14... I have barely grown at all since then as well. It's probably due to me being trans but still... It kinda sucks that I have to look like a little boy...

Stan is now slightly below 180 cm and I need to stand on my tiptoes in order to kiss him properly. His jet black hair is now in this emo style fringe, which really suites his face. Stan in fairly muscular nowadays, and his shoulders are pretty broad, but he is still relatively skinny.

* * *

I apologize to him for being late and he just looks at me and smiles.

"It's okay..." He tells me before snaking his arms around my waist, my way too feminine waist that I hate. He leans down a bit and his lips capture mine in a loving kiss. Stan's lips taste pretty sweet I guess, but I don't have much to compare them to really. I haven't kissed anyone else for 9 years after all. I'm glad that Stan has calmed down a bit after I told him how I felt yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with Stan. My memories from back then are pretty foggy, but I remember how his hand just fit perfectly in mine and how it just felt so damn right. But now it feels wrong somehow. Even though I love him, there's something that is wrong. Something that doesn't feel the same anymore. It almost feels dull...

"So... Why were you late?" He asks me with a questioning look on his face, pulling me a bit closer to him by the waist.

"I bumped into Kenny on the street and felt like I needed to talk to him." I answer, and somehow I feel a little awkward. That's strange... I barely ever feel awkward around Stan...

"Kenny?" He asks. "It sure has been long since I've seen him around. How is he doing?"

"He said he was alright but... He didn't look that great to be honest... "I tell Stan.

"Oh I see..." He answers.

"I invited him over for tomorrow though so I'll talk to him and see if I can help with anything..." I explain. It's not a lie really, I just bent the truth a little, or maybe just left out a part of it. Stan doesn't need to know that I'm gonna ask Kenny for advice... That isn't really any of his business.

"That's so sweet of you Kyle." Stan tells me before he leans forward and kisses me again, this time with a bit more passion. Oh... I instantly understand why. He wants make up sex... I pull back a little from the kiss.

"Stan..." I start.

"What is it?" He asks with a dumb look on his face.

"I'm sorry... But not now..." I tell him awkwardly.

"Why not?" He raises an eyebrow and looks a bit annoyed.

"I told you yesterday... I need time to think..." Before I can see the look on his face I bury mine in his chest. I clutch the fabric of his shirt, feeling so scared of his reaction.

* * *

He shoves me away from him.

"You little fucker. I thought we were cool now?! Did you really have to bring that crap up?!" He yells at me. Our eyes meet and I can see the pure hurt that I've caused him now.

"Stan... Listen to me... I love you and I want to be with you but..."

"But you need time to think? Bullshit. You're just gonna leave and not come back to me." Stan's voice sounds so hurt. I feel horrible inside now. I'm making Stan hurt so much...

"It's not like that I swear! I just want to find out who I really am. No. I need that Stan. Please understand..." My eyes begin to water. I look up at him desperately, and I can see how tears are starting to form in his eyes too. My hands reach out for his and our fingers intertwine. He doesn't pull away from me and we stand there holding hands for a while. Tears fall down our faces and neither of us say a word. We stand there in silence for a moment.

I love him so much. But things changed. I never asked for change. I just want to hold him in my arms and feel the way that we used to. But we can not go back. We can never go back. We can only go forward. But it's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Because going forward might mean we have to go our separate ways. I don't want that. Because I love him.

* * *

Stan's POV:

I'm scared. Kyle says that he needs time to think. What if he realizes that he's so much better than me? It was too good to be true really. Kyle is the most wonderful person I've ever met. He always manages to lights up my day. Always. I love you Kyle. I desperately try to keep you here but, in the end that will only make you want to leave even more. I need to let you go for now I guess.

I don't have a choice. As we stand here crying like idiots in the hallway of my house, I decide to let you go. If you don't come back then I guess it's not meant to be after all...

"I love you..." I tell him weakly, with a broken voice I barely recognize as my own. My heart aches, as I hear him speak.

"I love you too..." He answers with an equally broken voice. He then throws himself into my arms and holds me close. I wrap my arms around Kyle and just stand there for a moment, hugging him lovingly. I bury my face in his neck and inhale his wonderful smell. A smell that is his and his alone. He smells sweet, a little bit like melon maybe, and like fresh roses... It's hard to describe. It's strange, yet so perfect. I love this smell, simply because it's Kyle's smell.

I pull away a little, and gently cup his face in my hands. I lean forward and kiss him softly. After I pull away I just look at his beautiful face before I speak.

"You should leave. If you really need time then being here like this isn't helping much." I caress his cheek carefully. "I'll be waiting for you. So hurry up and find what you're looking for..."

He stares at me with wide eyes for a second, before they overflow with more tears. He clings to me tightly for a brief moment before he pulls away and wipes his face with his sleeve. The sleeve of a jacket that used to be mine... I grew out of that jacket and then I gave it to him cause he told me he really liked it. It makes me happy that he still wears it now, over a year later.

"Thank you so much Stan" He says weakly, with a sad smile.

"I won't wait forever so you should get to it, okay?" I say with a sad smile of my own, and then I ruffle his soft, curly hair a little. Kyle smiles back at me for a bit before he turns around to leave.

"Farewell" Is all he says before he leaves. I say nothing back. I just watch him go. He escapes my grasp and I can do nothing but watch.

I have a feeling that he will never really return to me again. We can never go back.


	4. Filthy

Kenny's POV:

I wake up in a bit of a daze. I look over at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It's 6.30. Oh... Must've slept through the entire afternoon... I sit up and rub my eyes. But then I realize... 6.30... Shouldn't the clock say 18.30?

Turns out I slept the entire day, all the way to the next morning. I'm not very surprised really... I'm pretty sleep deprived so these kind of things happen on occasions. I smile to myself as I remember yesterday. Kyle. I'll get to see Kyle again. Today.

I get up and walk into the bathroom. I strip down and turn on the shower. Warm water is a luxury in the McCormick household. Most days the warm water runs out before I get to shower. But I'm awake early today so I get to feel the warm water against my skin. I turn the shower, having the water as warm as possible, feeling the almost scolding water hit my body. It's like a painful sensation. I do something similar when I take cold showers. I make sure that the water is ice cold. So cold that it hurts.

I like it. It's a habit I developed years ago. I guess it's just to make sure that I'm really alive, that I'm really here. I want to feel it. It's probably due to how I always used to die when I was a child. That's why I like this strange pain so much.

Every day. Every single day. Another misfortune. Hit by a car, stabbed, set on fire, suicide, you name it. All of it has probably happened to me. But I just keep coming back.

I'm still not able to properly die. I just wake up a while later in my bed, like it never even happened. No one ever remembers. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I myself remember every time it happens. I don't die as frequently anymore, but it still happens on occasions. Every time I came back my friends would ask the same thing, when I was younger.

"Hey Kenny! Where have you been?"

"Oh you know... Just went and died..." I actually answer that if someone asks. They just look at me weirdly and laugh a little when I say that. I've given up on trying to tell anyone about it for real. No one ever listens, and no one ever believes me after all.

* * *

My family life is shit aswell. My parents are alcoholics and drug addicts. My brother Kevin even ended up in jail for... guess what... drugs. He's just like my father. It's gross to see him wasting his life in the same way that dad does. My little sister Karen got taken away by social workers years ago. She ended up getting adopted by a sweet and gentle family in Denver. They treat her as if she's their real daughter. I'm really happy for my sister. She deserved a better life.

I went to visit her in Denver once, last summer. It was amazing to see her again. Karen is growing up to be so beautiful. I stayed there for a few weeks. I'd go back to see her again but her new parents don't seem to like me very much, and it's pretty expensive to travel there. So for now Karen and I just talk over the phone once or twice a week. If there is a single person in this world that I care about except for Kyle then it's Karen. Definitely Karen.

* * *

After the scolding water stops hurting on my skin, I step out of the shower. There is no longer a point, since I don't feel the pain anymore. I'm clean enough... I dry myself off before I go back into my room, and roam through my old drawer. I'm trying to find something decently presentable to wear to the Broflovski house. I give up and go with yesterday's jeans and a black hoodie.

I get dressed and try to dry off my hair a bit more. I then flop down on the bed and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes. I turn towards my alarm clock again and it says 7.15. Just laying around and waiting to be able to see Kyle again makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I get up, put on my only pair of shoes, and leave the house. I don't even bother to grab a jacket, or eat anything. It isn't that horribly cold today anyway, and I know there's no food at home. My dad wasted all the damn money on meth again...

I aimlessly walk down the streets for a while, before a familiar red car pulls up next to me. I stop in my tracks and look at it as the window rolls down.

"McCormick..." Says the old man in the drivers seat, with a grin on his face that flashes his gross, yellow teeth. Ah... One of them huh...

"Yes, sir?" I answer politely, giving him a suggestive smile, knowing what's about to come.

"Need some pocket money?" He asks, still grinning. I nod.

"Don't I always?" I say, still with that forced, disgusting, and just wrong smile on my face. Why don't they ever notice how sickly fake my smile is?

"I've got 70 dollars" He tells me.

"Deal!" I say without a doubt. More than I usually get, and I'm in a desperate need of money right now. I'm practically about to starve and I don't have a cent. I get into the passenger seat of the car and the man drives off, towards that cheap motel in the outskirts of South Park.

* * *

It all started that one time. My family was basically about to be thrown out of the house cause they hadn't been paying the fucking rent for a while. I ended up meeting a guy while I was out taking a walk. He somehow just knew.

"I'll give you the money you need, if you just make me satisfied." Was all he said. I agreed to it, not wanting to be homeless, and that's how it started.

About a year ago Kenny McCormick became a prostitute. A real whore. It's not like it mattered, not like it made much of a difference. I already fucked around a lot before, with both chicks and dudes, even though most of the dudes would never admit it.

Getting money is just a bonus. I already know that I'm disgusting for doing this. What's more disgusting is that I count. I count both the amount of people I've slept with and the amount of times I've had sex. I know it isn't anything to be proud of. I'm not proud. But counting it makes me feel like I have at least some control. Even though I don't have any control whatsoever.

I sleep with basically anyone just to forget about things, painful things, and just to feel some human contact. When I have sex I stop thinking about how disgusting I am, how worthless I am, and how unloved I am. It's ironic isn't it? I do something filthy in order to not think about how filthy I am.

* * *

I go into the motel with the man. I let him do shameful things to me. Not that I have much shame left really. He's really rough with me and it's painful. It's got nothing against the pain from my many reoccurring deaths though, so I can handle it... I pretend to enjoy it. He's paying me after all, so I'm basically obligated to. I've been with 87 different people as of now. I've done it 896 times in about three years. Crazy isn't it?

After he's done he puts the money on the bedside table and just silently leaves, not uttering a single word. I stand up and try to walk towards the bathroom. Crap. I have somewhat of a limp. I need to hide that as best as I can when I see Kyle. When in the bathroom I wash out my insides before I get dressed again. Then I shove the money into my pocket. I check the time before I leave. 9.23. I'll grab some breakfast and then I'll try and make the time pass until I can see Kyle again.

I go to the grocery store and buy some bread and some ham. I don't feel like wasting too much of the money I have... I go home and then I decide to make myself a cup of coffee before I eat. I don't particularly like coffee, but it's the only thing to drink in this household except for booze or the disgusting tap water that just tastes like dirt. Can't really say that the coffee tastes that much better though.

I silently sit at the kitchen table while eating my food and drinking my cup of coffee. The house is quiet today. So peaceful. My parents must've gotten pretty drunk and stoned last night and probably passed out early in the morning. They're still not awake. I finish eating and then I look at the time again. 10.12. I decide to get another cup of coffee and then I just wait. I just sit there staring out the window, while drinking a bit too much coffee, for an hour and a half before I decide to go. I know it only takes 5 minutes to walk to Kyle's house from mine but I don't give a shit. I can be a little early. He probably won't mind. I smile at the thought of seeing Kyle and then I leave home.

* * *

I soon arrive at Kyle's house and I ring the doorbell. I feel a little nervous. I grin a bit at my own stupidity. I'm barely ever nervous? Why now? Cause it's Kyle. The one person I treasure the most. No one else in this rotten world really matters to me. I only stay here cause I want to be able to watch over Kyle a little and cause I can't fucking die properly.

The door opens and Kyle stands there in a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I don't feel bad about my own attire anymore. In fact, Kyle looks like hell. His eyes are red and blood shot, the bags under his eyes are darker than yesterday and his nose is runny. Half dried tears stain his face and he looks like a complete wreck. I just stare at him, probably looking completely horrified, and I'm feeling my heart ache painfully.

"Kenny..." He says weakly with such desperation in his voice. "I need you..." He grabs the material of my hoodie and tugs at it, indicating for me to come inside. I nod and walk into his house. He closes the door behind me carefully. Suddenly I feel something warm press against my back. Kyle wraps his arms around me from behind and presses himself close to my back, so close. If I wasn't so devastated and worried about him I'd probably pop a boner right about now. I'm pretty sure of that.

I feel him bury his face into the place where my neck and shoulders connect. He holds onto me desperately and I can hear muffled sobs coming from him as he cries.

"I'm here Kyle..." I tell him with the most gentle voice I've ever heard myself use. "I'm here for you. It'll be alright." More sobs escape him and he only starts to cry harder. I hush him and carefully reach my hand up to pat his head softly.

"What happened Kyle?" I ask, still in the same voice as I pat his soft red curls. I'm so filthy. I shouldn't be allowed to touch Kyle at all. But he needs someone. Kyle needs me right now and that's why I can't let go. I can't just pull away and leave him like this. No way.


	5. Desperation

Kyle's POV:

"What happened Kyle?" Kenny asks me in such a kind voice. I cling to him even more, refusing to let go. Kenny is here. Kenny is real. Kenny is willing to help me.

I thought yesterday that I'd be able to hurry up and figure things out. That I'd be able to do that and rush back to Stan and be with him. I thought it'd be fine. But then I realized, that I couldn't. I can't. It'll take too long. I can't force Stan to wait. Finding out who I am will take so much time and effort, I might not even be anything alike afterwards.

I spent all night crying. I haven't eaten anything at all since lunch yesterday. Thankfully my parents are out of town over the week, and Ike is staying at a friends house, so I'm safe. They won't find out. My parents want me to be perfect. They really like Stan. They'd yell at me if they knew that I messed up our relationship like this.

* * *

"Kyle?... Please talk to me..." Kenny whispers in a gentle tone. I need to tell him. I invited him over yesterday cause I wanted to talk after all. And now it feels like I need to talk more than ever.

"I'll talk..." I say shakily. I pull away from him, giving him some space, and then I grab his hand. I lead him up the stairs and we walk into my room. I shut the door behind us. We somehow end up laying next to each other on my bed. Just like when we were kids. Whenever I needed comfort as a child Kenny was always right next to me, laying here and just listening to me telling him all that desperate nonsense I needed to let out. It's all the same now. Except this time I hold his hand in mine. I don't know why I do that. My hand is a little smaller than his. Kenny's hand is strangely soft, yet it's really bony and pretty dry. It's a bit cold, his body temperature is lower than mine. I noticed that earlier too when I hugged him.

Sometimes Kenny used to talk too. About his problems. It wasn't very often, since Kenny can't easily open up to people, but I still treasure each memory of when he did talk. When the walls he hid behind crashed and he couldn't bear staying quiet anymore, he would talk. But that barrier holding him away came back only moments later. And then the things he told me were never spoken of again. He spoke of things like what his family situation was like, how he was worried about his little sister, how he hated life, or about him loving a person he could never get. I never found out who that person was.

I start to feel a little more comfortable like this. I'm calmer now and I start to talk. I spill everything to him, and he just silently listens, not interrupting even once. How I've felt about Stan over the years, how our relationship has been, how it doesn't feel right anymore even though I love him, how I don't know myself anymore, and how it feels like I'm sinking, losing everything. I tell him all this, and Kenny just listens to me. He listens to me when I ramble and stutter and when what I say makes no real sense. He listens and tries to understand. And he always does, he always understand somehow. He understands my feelings in such a clear way.

* * *

I finish talking and he doesn't say anything yet. We just lay there in that comfortable silence for a while and I feel my eyes starting to water again. After letting out all of these emotions my heart feels a lot more at ease but it still aches unbearably much. Tears slide down my face and I start to shake, gasping for air. I feel Kenny's hand squeeze mine gently and his other hand reaches up to pat my hair. It's a very soothing action. Kenny is always there for me. I smile at him through the tears, my first genuine smile since I left Stan's house yesterday.

I've neglected Kenny. I've been unfair and mean. Yet he's still here. Yet he doesn't hate me and he still cares for me. Kenny is the best friend I could've asked for. I feel bad, since life is so unfair to him. He lives in a broken home, with a poor and dysfunctional family that doesn't even have enough money to feed him properly. He doesn't have many real friends at all, probably no one except me right now. Most people have tried avoiding becoming friends with him, just for the stupid reason that he's a McCormick and that his family has a crappy reputation. But Kenny is different. Kenny isn't a bad person. Not at all. Kenny is actually very kind and gentle, but he might just show it in strange ways sometimes. Or maybe he just shows that to me, and no one else?

* * *

Tears continue to stream down my face and I pull Kenny closer to me, burying my face in his chest. I inhale the smell of Kenny. Cheap soap, and a faint smell of booze and sweat, but today a different smell lingers on Kenny too. It's some sort of cologne that I know Kenny would never mean to wear. It's not that strong, but it smells as if someone else was close to Kenny. I don't ask him about it.

Kenny wraps his arms around me and hold me close for a while. It's nice. Kenny's embrace feels safe, and I know that Kenny would protect me from anything and everything. I smile again.

"It'll be alright Kyle. We'll figure this out. We'll figure it out and I'm sure Stan will understand..." Kenny says it so convincingly and I believe him. I believe every word he says. It'll be alright.

"Thanks Kenny..." I say, my voice muffled against his chest.

"No problem" He says. "Anything for you Kyle."

* * *

Kenny's POV:

Kyle is so close to me now. I feel so guilty. My disgusting body, touched by a disgusting old man just a few hours ago, is now pressed up against the beautiful body of the one person I love.

This reminds me of the old days. When we were children, whenever Kyle had troubles he always came to me. We used to lay on this bed together and he'd talk, just like today. Openly and honestly he used to explain everything to me, and even though he stutters, shakes and struggles to find the words I still understand. I always try my hardest to understand and be there for Kyle.

Today I almost feel like we are kids again, almost. Like it's still the same as when we were so young, foolish and irrational. But it's a bit different now. Are there really any boundaries between us? When we were kids and we were friends, just friends, it was a lot easier. Today, it's not like we are really friends, not like we actually know each other. But the way his body touches mine is a bit too intimate. We're laying here pressed together, in a way that just two friends aren't supposed to.

I don't know how to react to this. He hugged me, held my hand, and pulled me close to him, so close that I can feel his heart beating. I don't know how to react to this at all. But Kyle can't love me, he loves Stan after all. He's just vulnerable right now and needs someone to be close. I'm probably being really selfish, but I'm happy. I'm really fucking glad that Kyle realized that Stan just isn't fucking everything, and that he can always depend on me. I'm really fucking happy that I'm the one Kyle decided to cling to. Having Kyle's beautiful body pressed up against mine is amazing, even if it's supposed to be wrong.

* * *

Before I can register it Kyle moves, lifting his face up and moving it closer to mine. He looks at me with those eyes, those beautiful, emerald eyes that I could just drown in and then he moves forward some more and his lips collide with mine. I don't expect it at all and for a second I'm completely still, before I move my lips against his. Kyle's lips taste sweet, so sweet, in a way that's indescribable. For a moment I'm in pure heaven, and then it starts to sink in for real. Kyle kissed me. Why?

He's desperate and isn't thinking clearly. Do I really want it to be like this? No, I can't use Kyle this way. I use people all the time for human contact and sex, but not Kyle. It's different with Kyle. Kyle is the only person I truly desire, but he's also the one person I refuse to do anything to. Ironic... After a moment I pull back, and our lips disconnect. Kyle looks at me with needy eyes.

"Kenny... " He says in a lustful voice. "I've never been with anyone except Stan before but... I want you, no I need you. Now." I've never heard Kyle sound like this and I feel shocked. He sounds way too fucking desperate and it's disgusting. It'd be so easy to take advantage of him and make his body mine. But no. No way in hell. He doesn't really want this. His mind isn't clear and just cause I'm acting supportive he wants to be close. He's desperate for intimacy since he's scared and lonely.

I just shake my head as an answer.

"Liar. You don't really need me like that. You're not thinking clearly Kyle." I say and cup his cheeks. "Do you love me? Will you still want me tomorrow? In a week? A month? A year? Would you commit to being with me and cherish me as your lover? Would you leave Stan and be mine? Only mine? Would you? Would you really?" All of this suddenly spill from my lips and Kyle is almost dumbfounded. He doesn't looks at me and I can clearly see that he feels bad now.

"Kenny..." He says in a sad tone.

"I don't want to take advantage of you Kyle, that's all. I wouldn't want to hurt you. You're not like all those other people." I tell him and smile. It's almost like a confession but not quite, since he doesn't realize the meaning of this. Kyle hesitates for a moment before he speaks.

"You're right Kenny. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... And thank you..." He clearly feels guilty now.

"Don't worry about it... Just felt like you needed to come back to earth." I tell him with a smile. He smiles back at me.

"Kenny? Have you eaten lunch yet?" He asks me, still smiling somewhat. He seems to feel a bit better now. I'm glad. Really glad.

"Not really..." I answer truthfully, smiling at the cute redhead.

"Great! You're staying for lunch then!" He tells me cheerfully. I don't really have a choice in the matter.


	6. Dependence

Kyle's POV:

Kenny was right. My head wasn't clear at all. I kissed him. What the hell was I thinking? It was strange, I haven't kissed anyone except Stan for so long... Kenny's lips were softer, and moved against mine in a strange way. I kind of liked it. But I can't really say that can I? Kenny is my friend, and it'd be weird as hell, he would probably be grossed out even. Really grossed out. But I wonder, why did he kiss me back? Maybe he just felt sorry for me. I don't know...

I was desperate and didn't realize how stupid I was. Kenny didn't seem to mind that much. I feel embarrassed when I think about how I basically begged him to fuck me. Thinking back at it, it was so dumb and crazy but... It's still Kenny fucking McCormick, one of the best looking guys in South Park. Imagine what he'd be like if his family wasn't completely broke, if he took better care of himself. He would probably look like an angel. Is it weird for me to have these thoughts? Probably...

* * *

Anyway, it's not like Kenny is looking for anything substantial. Kenny likes to mess around. Commitment isn't really his thing. I remember when we were kids and he just disappeared for a few days from time to time. I still don't know what he was up to then, but all I know is that stability has never been a part of Kenny McCormick's life. And it's not like I'm in love with Kenny. But after that kiss, I started thinking more about him, and I guess I started playing around with the thought a little. We haven't spoken about what happened that day at all since, and it's been a month now. I'm glad that we haven't, cause I wouldn't know what to say...

That day, after we kissed, we ate lunch together and hung out for a while. I felt like I could pull myself together again after that. And I've tried to do so. I'm doing okay I think.

Kenny and I hang out a lot nowadays. We play video games together, go to the arcade, marathon movies or TV shows, and when I feel like I need to, we just talk. I wonder what people around me think. When they see me with Kenny. When Stan is not around. In fact, I haven't seen Stan at all since that day everything was torn apart. Since the day I distanced myself. Kenny and I meet almost every day now. But he still gives me the space I need, when I try to figure things out, when I need to be alone.

Kenny's company is relaxing and safe, in a way that Stan's never was. I can trust Kenny more, and I know that he won't judge me for anything. Even though Stan is sweet and knows me better than anyone, Kenny still handles the situations better. Kenny's behavior and thoughts are somehow more rational, and he isn't ruled by his emotions as much as Stan is. I can depend on Kenny more than I could ever depend on Stan. Even though I shouldn't really be depending on anyone right now...

With other people Kenny hides behind his facade. He's wild, flirty and doesn't have much shame at all. But that's not really Kenny. The real Kenny is the Kenny that only I know. I'm sure of it.

I'm starting to understand more, who I really am, what really matters to me. Even though I still have no idea who I wanna be, or what I wanna do. My dad wants me to be a lawyer. My mom wants me to be a perfect adult. Stan wants me to be his. The only person who doesn't demand anything from me is Kenny. I know that Kenny wants to be close to me, he wants my company, but he doesn't demand me to be here with him. I'm here now cause I simply want to be here and that's such a freeing feeling.

* * *

We lay next to each other on my bed again today. I look up at the ceiling and smile.

"Kenny? Do you ever wonder what death is like?" I just ask him about what's on my mind. With Kenny I can say whatever, do whatever and it's fine. I never feel stupid around him, like I do with other people sometimes. Kenny is accepting and understanding, like no one else.

"I don't wonder about that ... I already know." He replies with a sad tone in his voice. I secretly wonder what's wrong, but I'm too afraid to ask.

"What's it like then? If you really know?" I ask instead.

"It's like... At first you can feel a sharp pain, when you die, but it slowly subsides into the white light. Then it'a a wonderful feeling for a while, like you don't exist at all in this world. Everything is just white and completely quiet, all your troubles are washed away. You wait in that white light for some time, I have no idea how long. Then you either show up in hell or heaven. Both are kind of fine, and hell isn't as horrible as it's made out to be really." He tells me all of this in such an honest voice, and I know that he can't possibly be lying or making this up. There's no way. He somehow knows all this for real.

"How do you know that?" I ask, turning my face towards him. He looks at me and smiles. One of those smiles where you can see his teeth. His crooked, a little too yellow teeth. In a strange way, they're really pretty. In a Kenny way, they're really pretty. He then turns his head to look up at the ceiling.

"That's a story for another day." He tells me. "I'll explain all of it to you sometime."

"If you say so... I answer. We lay there in a comfortable silence for a while before I decide to speak again. "Do you think that I should tell Stan now?"

"Yeah... If you feel like you can't have a future with him, you need to tell him that... The sooner the better." Kenny says.

"It hurts." I tell him. "It fucking hurts. That he's not the one. After 9 fucking years I have to go tell him that we don't belong together, that we don't have a future together and that's just awful. I don't want to hurt him anymore, Kenny." I explain in a sad tone.

"No one says that it shouldn't hurt. It's better to tell him how you really feel, than to be miserable while being together with him. Loving someone isn't always enough, Kyle." Kenny gently tells me.

"Sometimes I wonder if the one for me even exists Kenny... I say shakily. It comes out as a small whisper, which I didn't intend for.

"I'm sure of it." Kenny answers. "You won't be alone Kyle. You'll find that special someone. I promise. He'll show up some day." I shuffle a little closer to Kenny and hold his hand in mine, like that time a month ago, but this time I won't move any closer. Cause there's a barrier between us again. A barrier that I can't break. Cause I'm not sure what it is that I feel for Kenny, but it sure is something. But to Kenny I'm just a close friend and that's alright. I'm still comfortable, just like this.

"Have you found that someone for you yet?" I ask him, feeling somewhat worried. Kenny smiles at me before talking and I smile back. He squeezes my hand that is holding his.

"Probably not. But I hope. I really hope I have..." He tells me with a smile. He puts his other arm up into the air, stretches it out, and makes a gesture as if he's reaching for something. "There's a person that's on my mind all the time. I can't seem to get them out of my head. But that person is going through a lot and I don't want to bother them with strange thoughts. Also, I don't really deserve them anyway... They're too pure for me..." He starts off speaking happily, but then progressively starts to sound sadder. I feel bad for him, yet my chest aches somewhat at the thought of Kenny being with someone else for real...

"You should wait a bit. Let them sort their life out first, and then you should tell them how you feel. And don't ever say that you don't deserve that person Kenny. You're wonderful. If that person doesn't want to be with you, then they're the one who doesn't deserve you." I tell him confidently. He just smiles and squeezes my hand harder. I hope that person will take good care of Kenny. He needs someone who does that. My chest still aches.

"Thanks Kyle. I might just do that."

* * *

Kenny's POV:

Laying here by Kyle's side is nice. And telling him these kind of things makes my mind feel a bit more at ease. He doesn't have to know, that the person I love is him. Not yet.

When I'm with Kyle I like myself. I really do. With Kyle I feel real. Like myself. I've always hid behind a different persona. I've always acted like someone I'm not in front of other people. I don't know why really. It's a habit that has stuck with me since I was a child. I flirt, party, act shamelessly and say dirty things, to hide how much I actually dislike myself I guess. For most of my childhood I hid behind my orange parka, and pretended to be that person in order to to get people to like me. Cause usually there isn't much to like about the real me. If you're a McCormick you need to work harder in order to actually be someone, do something, or get anywhere. And it's hard, really hard.

I stopped wearing that parka after a while, but I never stopped acting like that person. That fake person I made into myself. I don't like that person. Not at all. But people find that person interesting, and that person is remembered and talked about. The real me would never be like that. But I like the person I am here. With Kyle. Just laying here, existing. I like myself when I'm real, and when I don't treat myself as a disgusting, filthy whore. I like myself the most when I care for the one person I love. The one person that matters.

Even if no one else were to like the true me, it's alright. They don't have to know. The only person who knows me for real is Kyle, and that's okay. I want it to remain this way. Because Kyle is so special to me.


	7. Confrontation

Kyle's POV:

"Don't you think they'd be disappointed Kenny?" I ask out of the blue, after laying there, on my bed, in silence for a while.

"Who?" Kenny asks.

"If I meet someone, and fall in love... I'd have to tell them. That I'm not a real guy. Wouldn't they get disappointed? If the person is attracted only to guys then I would not really be what they wanted." I say. Kenny smiles at me.

"Personally I'd embrace it. If the person I loved was transgender I'd embrace it. It's just another thing that makes you yourself Kyle. When you love someone everything about them becomes beautiful. And well... What's between your legs has nothing to do with who you feel like you are." Kenny explains truthfully.

"Yeah..." I answer with a smile. "I hope I'll find someone who sees it that way."

"If that doesn't work out then I'm still here, if you can't find anyone else." Kenny says with a chuckle. But there's something in his voice that almost sounds sad. Why doesn't Kenny ever just tell me out loud what's wrong? I want him to depend on me too. Yet I don't want to push it too much. I don't want to force him to tell me things. But guessing is just way too hard.

"I'll remember that" I answer, smiling brightly at him. Then I jump off the bed and start to walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Kenny asks with a dumbfounded expression. He sits up an blinks at me a few times.

"To Stan's house... It's best to get it all over with..." Kenny smiles at me.

"Yeah... Good luck." He tells me in an encouraging tone.

"Thanks..." I answer. "You can stay here and wait for me to come back if you'd like."

"No... Sorry... I need to get going..." He tells me. "Got some work to do." He sounds like he really, really doesn't wanna go. But I know Kenny needs the money and that job is the only thing that he has. Oh, in fact... He never told me what he does for a living... I haven't even asked. Doesn't seem like he gets to do anything fun though.

We leave the house together and then split up. Myself being on my way to Stan's house, and Kenny on his way to... Uhm... Wherever the fuck Kenny needs to be.

* * *

Stan's POV:

32 days. 32 long fucking days. It's been 32 days since Kyle left my house. He hasn't come back even once. I haven't done much really. I've tried staying away from everything and everyone. I don't want to be seen in my vulnerable, broken down state. I just sit here and wait. I stare out my bedroom window, towards our front yard, and just wait, while listening to the song All Out of Love by Air Supply, over and over again. I just wait. For Kyle to come see me. Tonight is an especially cold and dark evening, as I sit here.

While sitting here and looking out my window I've seen him several times this past month. He walked by here a few times, with Kenny. Always with Kenny. When around Kenny, Kyle has such a wide smile on his lips. Kyle looks so alive and happy and like he can do anything. It almost disgusts me. He has never once smiled like that for me. Never. It's always just Kenny. Kenny Kenny Kenny. Kyle left me. And why? He told me he needed to think. But I believe that he just wanted to be with Kenny without having to feel guilty. It's not fair. It's always been Kenny...

Even when we were kids, I always had to try much harder, to make Kyle happy, than Kenny did. I actually felt a sense of triumph when Kyle accepted my confession. I beat Kenny. Kyle's love was mine. I felt even better after Kyle started to become less interested in Kenny, and ended up losing contact with him completely. It's probably really mean and wrong. Kenny is my childhood friend, and I care about him, I really do. But I'm sometimes jealous, in an ugly way. I shouldn't be, cause Kenny's life is actually pretty shit. I feel genuinely sorry for him. He's poor and barely has enough money for food. In fact, I've seen him in strangers cars on their way to the motel. Or sometimes, if they're in a hurry, or just don't wanna waste any extra money, they just do it in the car. I know what Kenny does for a living. He has actually gotten himself quite the rumor by now. I wonder if Kyle knows about it yet...

* * *

My heart aches as I continue to stare out the window. Drops of rainwater starts to drip down, and soon the it's pouring down really fast. Then I see it. That wet mess of red hair, clinging to the beautiful boys face. He isn't just walking past this time. He's walking up towards my house.

I practically run down the stairs and swing the door open. He jumps a little, not expecting it. I smile at him. Kyle looks at me with wide eyes. He can see the mess that I've become. I've lost some weight because eating has been making me feel sick to my stomach lately. I have bags under my eyes and I'm wearing a pair of old, washed out sweat pants and a t-shirt that I've worn three days in a row now. He looks like he feels terribly bad for me. I don't care. I don't care if Kyle sees me like this.

I walk out into the rain, towards where he's standing, in the middle of our front yard. He looks at me with sad eyes and speaks to me, for the first time in long.

"Stan... I'm sorry..." He tells me in that beautiful voice that I've missed so much. He sounds sad. The rain continues to poor. It's starting to soak my clothes and hair. Kyle is already dripping wet. I can see a water droplet fall from his pretty little nose.

"It's alright... You're here now..." I say quietly. I notice that he's wearing the jacket I gave him again today. It's soaked in the rain water and I secretly wonder how well it can tolerate that... Kyle looks at me with those sad eyes again and shakes his head. Then I understand. I was right last time.

"I'm so sorry Stan..." He tells me, and I know he means it. I love you Stan but... I can't. I can't do it. Even though you are so important to me I can't... You're not the one Stan. I can't continue like this..." Every word he utters is the truth. He sounds so desperate and that's what tears me apart. It's not the words he says that hurts the most. I knew it. I already knew it. That he wouldn't come back to me for real, that we couldn't be the same. I knew that Kyle would tell me this. I knew that Kyle would want to break up. But I still hoped, so much, for this to not happen...

Tears form in his eyes and I feel stupid. I hurt him. I hurt him so much. As they fall down his already wet face I can feel how I myself start to cry. Why does it have to be like this? I feel my tears mix with the rain water as it drips down my cheeks.

I take a step towards to him. We stand there, closer to each other, for a moment, barely half a meter inbetween us. Our eyes lock and I feel empty. This is the end for us. After 9 long years it ends. My hands reach out for his and I just stand here desperately holding his hands in mine. I don't want him to go. I know that he has to but I don't want him to.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

Seeing Stan like this is painful. I really messed him up. I'm so sorry. I gave up on us after all these years. I never meant to, but it happened without me noticing. Stan's hands that grip my own feel strangely cold. They're almost too cold to be Stan's hands.

"I knew... I already knew it last time." He tells me weakly. "I knew that we wouldn't be able to go back. That you would leave me."

What he says hits me so hard and more tears escape my eyes. I thought I'd be able to stay strong but no. I can't. There's no way. My hands let go of Stan's and I carefully put them on his soft cheeks instead. I take a step closer and then I stand on my tiptoes and I move forward just a little more. As I continue to cry, I kiss him. I kiss him with more force than I've ever kissed before. I pour every ounce of my love for him into the kiss. His arms snake around my waist in that way that only Stan's arms do and he kisses me back in just the same way. All rational thoughts leave my mind for a moments and it's just us, here and now.

We stay like that until air starts to become a serious problem and we are forced to pull away. After that I take a step back and it feels empty. It feels cold. I look right into Stan's eyes. They're puffy and bloodshot. Mine probably looks the same.

* * *

After we've both catched our breaths Stan opens his mouth to speak, but he hesitates for a moment before he actually does.

"Do you love Kenny?" He asks. I don't expect the question and my head spins. I think for a moment and I'm not sure. I have no idea, so I don't say anything. Stan continues to talk.

"Do you feel at ease around him? Do you feel like he understands you? Do you trust him? Do you want his affection? Do you think he's beautiful? Does he make you feel special?" Stan asks. These questions are so easy to answer and then I understand. I completely understand.

"Yes... I do love Kenny..." I tell him weakly. A sad smile escapes Stan's lips.

"I thought so... I hope he takes good care of you then..." Stan takes a step forward and moves his face closer to mine again. He pecks my lips gently, one last time before he smiles. This time it's a genuine smile. Then he spins around and silently walks back inside, closing the door behind himself. I say nothing and I'm left standing here alone in the rain. It's cold. This is how it all ends between me and Stan Marsh. My heart feels so empty...


	8. Messed Up

Kenny's POV:

I have to meet someone again tonight. It's been a while since last time. I've only done this 4 times since I met Kyle again. I have been able to stay away from it a bit more now since I've been at Kyle's place a lot. He forces me to eat there most of the time. I try to decline every time, but it never works, cause Kyle is stubborn. I know that Sheila and Gerald don't approve of me very much. It's probably cause they assume that I'm like my parents and that I'll "taint their child".

I have no idea how Kyle is gonna tell his parents that he broke up with Stan. They already suspect it, but they'll probably be furious when he tells them for real. He's still trying to gain the strength to tell them that he doesn't wanna go to that university that they want him to. Kyle doesn't really want to be a lawyer. He has no idea what he wants, but to be a lawyer isn't it. I'm the only one who knows this.

A week or two ago he asked me what I wanted to become. I thought about it for a moment before I simply told him: "Someone better than I am now". He then asked if I had any future plans. I just shook my head. It feels like I can never really become anything. Like I'm just being stuck in this place and I can't do anything except fucking, and trying to support Kyle, even though I'm probably pretty shit at both of those things. I'm shit at everything. At least that's how it feels.

* * *

The guy I'm supposed to meet tonight is sitting in a car in a parking lot not too far from Kyle's house. If Kyle would decide to take a shortcut on his way home then he'd walk past here. But Kyle usually doesn't. So it should all be fine.

This guy is a new one for me, and not one of my regulars. Person number 89. Time number 901. He's pretty needy and pulls me into the backseat of the car. He looks pretty good actually. Better than most guys I've been with over the years.

This time isn't so bad. He goes slow in the beginning and it isn't that painful. I end up sitting in his lap while moving up and down. It feels pretty good actually. I start to think about Kyle and I imagine things and it feels even better. In this moment it's hard to distinguish reality from fantasy.

But when I look out the window and I see those red curls from a distance I know that I'm not imagining it.

Kyle stands there, half hidden behind a tree and just stares at me in horror. Our eyes lock. I keep moving at the same pace, trying to not let this guy notice. I feel really shameful as I continue to look straight at Kyle while I have a guy up my ass. But I can't look away. There's no point in hiding it, since he has already seen enough. Kyle always knew that I slept around, but I wish he wouldn't have to see it. Not like this. I move faster and desperately try to make it end soon. Look at me Kyle. This is how filthy I am.

* * *

When it's finally over the guy hands me my money and I pull my clothes back on quickly. He thanks me and I just shrug. I don't give a fuck. All I want to do now is run away. But I know that I need to talk to Kyle. I at least owe him that much... I need to make him understand full well how messed up I actually am. I can't hide anything anymore. He needs to know.

The guy flops down in the drivers seat and the car drives off into the distance. I'm left standing there in the rain, about 15 meters away from a soaking wet, wide eyed Kyle. I walk towards him and when we are just a small distance apart I stop.

"Kenny... Who was that?" He asks me. Kyle's voice sounds empty and hurt. I wonder how it went with Stan but now is not a good time to fucking ask that so I don't.

"I don't know his name..." I answer. " Person number 89, time number 901." I state blankly. Kyle stares at me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He asks, his voice now sounding somewhat cold and harsh. It's strange to hear him like that.

"I count, Kyle. It's the 89th person I've slept with, and this was in total the 901st time I've done it." I tell him, my voice coming out strangely sad.

"Why?" Kyle asks. "Why do you do this? Why so many?" He sounds more curious than mad now.

"It started off with that I couldn't have the only person I really wanted. So I ended up fucking a lot of girls instead, to try and get it out of my mind. It helped in the moment but I just felt worse afterwards really. Yet I still continued, cause I felt like it. About a year ago I realized I could make money from it so that's why I still do this. So I can live." I tell him truthfully.

My voice is filled with disgust for myself and I can hear that clearly.

"Is this what you meant by work? Is this your so called job?" Kyle asks me. The look on his face tells me that he's feeling betrayed. He probably thinks I'm disgusting now as well.

"Yes..." I simply tell him and take out the 35 dollars, that I got from the guy earlier, from my jeans pocket. Kyle just stares the money in my hand.

"And you think this is okay? Do you enjoy this kind of work?" I can tell that Kyle is on the verge of tears and I'm pretty sure he is almost about to blow up and will start to yell at me as well.

"I don't do it cause I particularly like fucking a bunch of random people anymore... But I can't have the one fucking person I want, and human contact feels nice once in a while. Even though it's disgusting and filthy I do it. Cause I'm just a lonely, messed up kid who needs money. It's pathetic, but I have nothing else..." Kyle looks at me with such sad eyes and I feel so ashamed, more ashamed than I've ever felt before. He opens his mouth and just like I expected he yells at me.

"WHO IS THIS PERSON THAT YOU DESIRE SO GOD DAMN MUCH?! DID THAT SINGLE FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT PERSON REALLY MEAN SO MUCH? DID YOU HAVE TO GO RUIN YOUR OWN LIFE BECAUSE OF IT? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THERE IS NO OTHER WAY FOR YOU TO MAKE MONEY?" He yells out all of his emotions and when he stops I can see how his body shakes. "Please don't tell me that you have nothing else Kenny... You have me..." The last part is spoken very quietly, but I clearly hear what he says.

* * *

"Kyle... It's you... You're that person. I love you..." I tell him, as my eyes start to water. Damn it, Kenny McCormick never cries but everything is just building up inside of me now.

"What?" Kyle says, the chock visible on his face. He doesn't move at all and he just stares as I continue to speak.

"Stan got you before I had the chance to tell you how I felt. So I thought there wasn't really any point in telling you... There was no way you would've chosen me over Stan." I tell him. "After we stopped hanging out I ended up getting depressed and locked myself into my room for a long time. I felt lonely. After a while a girl happened to be interested and I didn't care, about anything really, so I fucked her and then it became a habit. It escalated and I now fuck random people for money. I'm worthless and I can't really do anything except this. I love you Kyle, but I'm completely disgusting and I don't deserve you." I spill everything and I can't hold back the tears any longer so they slowly start to fall down my cheeks.

"Kenny..." Kyle says, in a voice that kills me on the inside. He sounds so sad and guilty and desperate. "You don't have to. You don't have to hurt because of me. I won't let you do that anymore. For so many years have I caused you pain, without even knowing it, so now please let me make it up to you somehow."

"Bullshit." I answer coldly. "Stay away Kyle. You don't have to feel guilty. All of this is my own fault and I don't need your fucking pity, I get enough of that from everyone else." I tell him spitefully. He stares at me with such sadness in his eyes.

* * *

I'm mean. I'm horrible. But I'm not selfish at least. I push him away cause I don't want him to hurt anymore. All of this with Stan has been enough for him to go through. He doesn't need all of my drama and shit too. I'll go away, so I won't bother him. Kyle doesn't need me.

"I hope it went alright with Stan..." I tell him and then I turn around to leave. I start to walk and before I realize it he has chased after me and hugged me from behind. He clings to me and quietly whispers apologies into my ear. We are both cold and completely soaked in the rain but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that Kyle is my everything and I have to try and spare him pain. Even if that means that I can no longer be around him. If it means that I have to push him away and avoid him and make him hate me then so be it. I won't allow myself to make him suffer like this anymore.

Before I realize it his lips press softly against my cheek and that's when I push him away and run. I need to get away. Before I change my mind. I run as fast as my legs take me. I run towards my home. Even though my home is never safe.

Why would he kiss my cheek even? Is he trying to comfort me? Or is he just feeling guilty and wants to grant me what I really want? His affection? I won't let him. Never. Kyle is the only one who can't touch me out of pity.

I wonder if Kyle tried to chase after me, or if he just stood there in the rain and watched me go. I'm not sure, cause I never looked back even once. I just ran away.


	9. Suffocating

Stan's POV:

My life is like a puzzle, probably a defective puzzle, where none of the pieces fits together. That's how it feels right now. I feel torn apart, and like nothing fits together anymore.

When the front door closes behind me I slump down onto the floor. Turning around and walking away from Kyle took all of the strength out of me. It finally had to end for real. When he kissed me tonight, I felt more alive than ever before. Even though it was devastating and it felt like my heart was apart, I still felt alive. That sensation was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I won't ever doubt that Kyle truly loved me. Not after tonight. That kiss felt as if he poured everything he felt for me into it. I'm pretty sure he really did. I smile a little as I think of how clearly I understood.

I hope that everything will work out for Kyle. I hope that he'll be happy with Kenny. There's no doubt that Kenny will return his feelings. He's been looking at Kyle with those eyes for as long as I can remember. Kenny has always loved him, like me. Since so long ago.

I hug my legs close to my body and I just sit there on the floor holding myself. Tears form in my eyes and they fall silently onto the floor. My body trembles from the cold. But somehow I need to bear with it and get up again. I need to let go of Kyle for real. My stomach twists and I start to feel a little nauseous. Sitting here makes me feel like I'm going insane and my entire body itches strangely. I need to get out. I need to go somewhere, do something, I don't care what. Just sitting here makes me feel completely mad.

* * *

I stand up and then leave the house. It's still raining heavily, which doesn't really matter since I'm already practically drenched, so whatever. I don't care. I don't care about anything right now. Not even Kyle. My legs move on their own and I walk. I walk fast. I don't know where I'm going, but I just walk.

On the inside it feels like I'm falling, sinking. It's like I'm drowning, even though the only thing filling my lungs is air. I don't make sense anymore, nothing makes sense. My head spins and my stomach twists uncomfortably. I feel like I'm suffocating and I need to scream. I desperately need to scream and yell and I feel so angry. But when I open my mouth nothing comes out, not a sound. I can't scream. Why can't I?

As I continue to walk everything becomes a blur. The world around me spins and I can't see anything really. Everything melts together in a strange mess. The same goes for my thoughts. Nothing rational appears in my head at all. It's all a blur. I don't know how or why but it just is. Nothing makes sense anymore. It feels like I'm on the brink of insanity. I probably am. What is going on? My head continues to spin and I don't understand. I don't understand anything.

I continue onwards in this blur for who knows how long. Could be minutes. Could be hours. Until a voice calls my name. A gentle voice. The voice of a girl, a young woman. It's a beautiful voice and the way it says my name is just amazing. She says it again. The voice is strangely familiar and nostalgic, yet it sounds new and a little strange. I stop dead in my tracks, shake my head and blink a few times, desperately trying to come back to my senses. I want to see her for real. Who is it that said my name? Did I just imagine that voice? Or is she real?

My vision comes back and I stare into the blank air, noticing that I'm on the sidewalk somewhere near Starks Pond, before I spin around and search for the owner of the voice. She is now standing right in front of me, a couple of meters away, and she says my name once more.

* * *

The girl looks so familiar, yet I can't place her at first. She has long, silky, hair that is black like charcoal. She's shorter than me, and it looks like she's around 170 cm tall, which would make her slightly shorter than Kyle too. She's pretty thin, and her chest is almost flat, yet she has just enough curves and her body is lovely.

She's wearing a pair of plain, blue, skinny jeans, along with a pale, purple jacket and a pair of boots. She's standing under a pink umbrella and it's hard to see her face, but I still notice that her features are soft and she's very beautiful. The umbrella moves a bit and her face is completely revealed.

Our eyes lock and I know now. I've only ever met one person with this kind of eyes before and I doubt I'll ever meet anyone else whose eyes are the same. They're a strange, vibrant, amethyst purple and her gaze is so sharp and clear. Wendy Testaburger.

* * *

"Wendy..." I say silently, almost in chock. We continue to stare at each other for a moment. I haven't seen her in long... In fact I think the last time was almost 5 years ago... I heard that she went to study abroad and I thought I'd never see her again... Not many people who decide to leave South Park ever return. But Wendy did. The clever and extremely gifted Wendy Testaburger returned... But why?

I'm then reminded of the fact that I look like a complete train wreck. Oh fuck. I know that she knows that I feel like absolute shit. I can see it in her eyes. Rain continues to drip and it drenches my already wet clothes further. Huh, it's still raining, I just realized. I still feel a bit out of it, but at least I'm back in reality.

Wendy silently walks a little closer and stands beside me. She moves the umbrella so it's placed over the both of us. She doesn't ask anything. She doesn't demand me to talk. Wendy is just there, and it's nice. It's nice to not be completely alone, and I suddenly don't feel like I'm suffocating anymore.

After a few moments of silence she speaks.

"Please walk me home... I don't like the dark..." Is all that she says, and it's barely above a whisper but I can still hear her clearly. I nod and then we silently start to walk together. After a little while I grab the umbrella out of her hand and our fingers brush against each others for a second. She lets go of it and lets me hold it up over the both of us instead. We continue to walk in a pleasant silence, neither of us feeling the need to speak. I'm very thankful that Wendy showed up then, at the right time. Who knows what would've happened to me if she hadn't appeared.

* * *

We soon end up standing outside what apparently is her house, it's a very small, red house in the outskirts of town, and I silently walk her to the door.

Wendy smiles at me in the way that she always does, and I smile back, genuinely. I hand her the umbrella and I'm about to turn around when Wendy talks again, for the first time since we started to walk.

"You should come inside for a bit... You really need to dry off..." She says, once again in a very quiet voice. It's strange, how Wendy Testaburger seems to have become such a quiet person all of a sudden. When she stands here looking at me, she looks so small. The Wendy Testaburger I knew never looked that way. She was always strong and confident. I secretly wonder what could've happened in these 5 years to make her like this, but I say nothing. I just stare for a moment.

"Please" She says and her warm, soft hand reaches out and grabs my wrist tightly. I nod and she grabs her keys from one of the pockets on her jacket and then unlocks the front door with a click. We walk inside and she removes her jacket and discards it on the floor. Wendy leads me into the living room, or maybe I should call it the bedroom. I don't even know. It's both. The house is really small so it only has a tiny kitchen, a bathroom, a hallway and this room. It's pretty cramped but it's nice and looks typically Wendy. It's filled with different shades of pink and purple and lots of cute little things. Just like the Wendy I remember...

Wendy grabs a lavender colored blanket and hands it to me.

"You should get out of those wet clothes..." She tells me, this time being a little louder than she was before. "I'm sorry but I don't really have anything that would fit so... I hope wrapping yourself in this will be alright..." I gently smile at her as I take the blanket and she smiles back at me.

"Thank you Wendy..." I say and she gives me a small nod before she starts to talk again.

"I'll be in the kitchen for a moment, so you can undress in peace... Tell me if you need anything..." She says with a small hint of a blush on her already rosy cheeks. She looks a little awkward as she leaves me behind and enters the small kitchen.

I can feel my stomach start to twist uncomfortably again, even more so than before and it's really unpleasant. I peel off my wet clothes that had been sticking closely to my skin and put them in a small pile on the floor, only keeping my boxers on. I wrap the blanket around myself and I still feel nauseous as hell. My body feels cold and numb from being outside for so long and I'm shivering.

* * *

"You done yet?" Wendy soon asks me from the kitchen, and stupidly I nod, forgetting that she can't see that. I smack myself on the head carefully before I speak up.

"Yeah... I'm done! You can come back if you want..." I tell her.

"Great! I'll be there in just a second..." she chirps in a happy tone. I smile a little because of her cute voice.

And like she said, just a moment later the kitchen door opens and she walks out, holding a small tray in her hands, with two mugs on it. She puts the tray down on the small table in front of her bed that also functions as a couch. We sit down on the bed and she hands me a mug. In the mug there's a warm, light brown liquid and I smell it carefully. It's hot chocolate. Wendy smiles at me and takes a sip from her own mug. My stomach twists again and the nausea hits me hard.

* * *

I remember when we were kids and we used to play in the snow together... When we started to feel cold we always ended up going inside and drinking hot chocolate that my mother made. It was always so sweet and delicious, and I was happy. I miss those moments. Especially those times when I didn't end up vomiting from being too nervous.

After our innocent, little, childish relationship ended things were never the same. Wendy and I couldn't be the same anymore. We couldn't hang out like we used to. But we are here now... And maybe we can still be friends? Or well... Not really, cause I'm about to make a huge mess of things. Literally.

* * *

I put the mug back down on the tray and then I stand up. Wendy looks at me with a confused expression. I give her an apologetic look and then I just run, slam open the door to the only room that I haven't been in, the only room that could possibly be the bathroom and I fall down to my knees in front of the toilet. I vomit and all of the content in my stomach ends up in the toilet instead. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I'm not that 9 year old fucking loser anymore. Why did I have to mess it all up with Wendy again?

I can hear the sound of her light footsteps as she walks towards the bathroom, towards me. I feel terrible and then I feel the need to throw up again so I do. Wendy walks closer to me and I can't bear to look at her, not like this, so I just stare down into the toilet, at my own disgusting vomit.

I then feel a hand on my head. Wendy pets my messy, wet hair carefully. I feel like I have to look at her so I swallow that very small amount of pride that I have left and turn my head. She's sitting there right next to me on the floor and she smiles, while the look in her eyes tells me that it's fine. It's okay. Wendy isn't mad or disgusted, she genuinely feels sorry for me. I smile at her, while probably having some of what belongs inside my stomach on my face.

"It's okay Stan... It'll be fine... Just like old times, isn't it?" She says, petting my hair some more. She then chuckles a little. I do the same, and before I realize it we are both laughing loudly and uncontrollably.

Yeah. It really is just like old times.


	10. Something Different

Kyle's POV:

I yelled at Kenny. I was so angry and I was so chocked that I couldn't react any other way. I didn't expect what he told me after that. Kenny loves me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell him. My lips wouldn't move like I wanted them to. I couldn't tell him that I love him back. Kenny must assume that I hate him now. I'm so sorry Kenny.

Maybe he thinks that I just pity him. But I don't. I feel genuinely sorry for him and I want to help but I don't know how. I thought I was supposed to figure out who I am so I could feel good about myself again... But all I've found is that I'm an indecisive, whiny bitch who depends on others way too much. I'm useless and I don't deserve Kenny's love. But I still have it. I should be happy that my feelings are being returned, but it just makes me feel sad and guilty instead. I made Kenny hurt so much, and for so long. I never knew. I never knew it was my fault. I'm so sorry.

When he leaves I don't run after him. I just stand here in the rain, with tears in my eyes. I watch him run, so far away. I look at him until he's gone and I can no longer see him at all. I don't follow him because I don't deserve him. He says it was all his own fault but that's lies. He became like this because of me. It's all my fault. I've never felt as guilty as I do now. I ruined him. I made Kenny become tainted and it's my fault that he has had to do such shameful things. Kenny said that he doesn't deserve me, but that is wrong. I'm the one who doesn't deserve him.

* * *

I start to shake violently and I can't take it anymore. I gasp for air, trying my hardest not to panic, but that doesn't work at all. My legs feel so heavy and they don't want to carry me anymore. I fall down to my knees on the muddy ground. I cry my eyes out, knowing full well how useless and horrible I am.

I've hurt Stan so much, and I've probably hurt Kenny way more.

I can't do anything right. Everything about my existence is wrong. I'm so completely wrong. It's not just the crappy personality, and that I hurt people so much, but it's my body too. I was born as a fucking girl and that won't ever change for real. I'll never be a man. I'll never be able to be who I really want to be. I get overwhelmed with so much disgust over myself and I start to sob even more violently.

I'm nothing. I can't do anything. My body is wrong, and all I do is hurt people. I can never do anything right. I can't help anyone. I just make them suffer. Kenny. Stan. And I'm pretty sure my parents are pretty disappointed in me too... I'm a failure.

I feel so much guilt. So much. It feels like it consumes my entire being and it makes me feel like it burns and it aches. All I can do is cry on the ground cause I'm a useless failure of a human being. I can't even get up anymore. There's no point. There's no point in anything. There's no point in living even. But no, I'm not that desperate... I won't commit suicide or anything. That'd hurt everyone even more so I won't. And in fact, this pain, this burden, is something I deserve to bear. I deserve to hurt. And suicide is supposed to make you escape the hurt. So there really is no point.

I feel tired. So tired. Tired of everything. Yet I can't do anything about it. I fall back into the mud and I just lay there on the ground and look up at the sky. The rain pours down onto my cold, numb body. I'm no longer sure if I'm crying or not, my face might just be wet from the rain now. But that doesn't matter really. I wrap my arms around my own small body and hug myself close. I miss Kenny. I miss Stan. It's already so lonely... But I can't. I can't go back to Stan, that wouldn't be fair, not to him, and not to myself either. And Kenny should be better off without me so there's no point in going to him now. He pushed me away even. He loves me yet he doesn't want anything to do with me. So I'll leave him alone for now. He wants me to.

There's no point in going anywhere. No point in doing anything.

The rest all becomes a blur and I'm not sure what happened after I laid there missing the people I care for the most. But all I know is that by the next morning, when I wake up, I have somehow ended up back in my own bed, without any mud whatsoever left on my body.

* * *

Stan's POV:

Wendy is so kind. I had almost forgotten that. After I threw up she was acting very kindly. She ran off and fetched me a glass of water, and then she helped me in my weakened state and cleaned off my face after what had happened. Makes me feel bad... Guilty...

Afterwards we ended up sitting back on her bed again. Wendy didn't seem to be bothered whatsoever by that I threw up. She is so wonderful. I had forgotten.

She grabs her mug of chocolate again, and it seems that it's still warm. I'm glad I at least didn't ruin that for her. She gently smiles at me.

"Do you think you can drink that? Or should I get you something else that won't upset your stomach as much?" She asks me sweetly. I feel a little awkward and embarrassed.

"It's fine... I'm feeling better now anyway so it should be alright." I answer truthfully. I then grab my mug and take a small sip of the chocolate. And heck, maybe it's just cause I'm kinda dizzy and my stomach is completely empty, but I'm pretty sure that this is the best hot chocolate I've ever had. I tell her how delicious it is and she looks like she's really proud of herself. It makes me happy seeing her this way. It's weird. I had forgotten so many things about Wendy. So many small beautiful things that are just wonderful and brightens my day. I now understand so well why I used to be in love with her. Wendy is Wendy. And Wendy is beautiful in so many ways.

"Stan..." She says. "I just realized that it's really late... I don't think you should be walking home in this state..." Wendy sounds so concerned. It almost makes me feel bad. I glance at the clock on her wall. 11.23. She's right. It is late... And I doubt I'll be able to get home at all like this. I'd probably collapse halfway.

"Yeah..." Is all I say and then I look down, feeling a bit guilty. I made her worried.

"Don't worry... Stay here for the night... I don't mind!" She tries to convince me. Huh? Wendy would actually be alright with a guy she barely knows anymore spending the night at her place just like that? It worries me a little that she's so naive... I would never do anything that horrible like that to her but... If it had been someone else they might have? But I don't have much of a choice now. Who knows what state I'd be in tomorrow morning if I tried to get home now... I silently nod at her before I realize something...

"Wendy? Where am I gonna sleep...?" I ask quietly. She blinks a few times before she answers.

"The bed? That's where people usually sleep..." She tells me. "I don't mind it if you don't Stan..." A small blush gets visible on her cute little cheeks again. I shake my head violently. I can't do that. Sleeping in the same bed as Wendy is impossible.

"I'll just sleep on the floor." I tell her. Wendy tries to convince me otherwise, but I'm stubborn and I end up doing as I said, laying on the floor. Though I end up not laying directly on the floor. Instead I'm laying on top of a small pile of blankets, with one wrapped around me, and a single pillow under my head. It's not too bad really. It's relatively comfortable actually.

* * *

It's when I lay there trying to sleep that the thoughts start to appear. The thoughts of Kyle. I lay there in silence, trying not to make a single sound as I cry. I cry over how I can never be with Kyle again, and over how my life feels so broken. I cry cause I have no one and cause there's nothing in life that really matters. I cry cause I don't know what the hell to do with myself. I'm desperately trying to muffle any sound I let out so Wendy doesn't notice. I'm not sure if she's awake or not... But then I sniffle too loudly once and I can hear the bed creek. I look over at it in panic and Wendy is laying there facing me. My eyes lock with her amethyst ones and we just stare at each other.

Wendy knows how much I'm hurting. I can tell. The look in her eyes changes and she seems a little sad. Neither of us says anything. Wendy just moves and makes some space for me on her bed. She pats the empty spot she created in a gesture for me to come lay there. I say nothing. I just get up and walk over to the bed with tired steps. I lay down next to her and she pulls the blanket over the both of us. We just lay there for a while, staring into each others eyes. I'm still crying but I don't care. After a while Wendy reaches for my hand and holds it gently in hers. Her hand is so soft and small and it's warm, so warm. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel now. But I guess it's safe.

It feels safe laying here next to her. And it's okay. Even though I hurt, even though I've lost what is most important to me. It's still okay. Cause Wendy is here. I'm not alone.

I'll find something new, something different, something that will make those broken puzzle pieces that is my life fit together. I think Wendy is the first step. She made those first two pieces fit together I guess. Not everything is falling apart like I thought it would. In fact, life is starting to turn around again. I can feel it. I just can.

Wendy's hand squeezes mine gently. She smiles at me kindly and I smile back. My eyelids start to feel heavy and the last thing I register before I fall asleep is a small whisper.

"It'll be alright Stan..." she whispers so softly. After that I am no longer conscious and I sleep in this safe atmosphere right next to the one and only Wendy Testaburger.


	11. Sinking

Kyle's POV:

It's been two months. Two fucking months and Kenny hasn't said a word to me. I've seen him around on the streets and I've said hi to him but he didn't even react. As If I wasn't there. He never answers my texts either. What the fuck. He must really not want to be around me. I hate it. I know I hurt him a lot and that I'm worthless, but Kenny said that he didn't think it was my fault. I wonder what's going through his head... I thought Kenny was the one who wasn't supposed to leave. I thought Kenny would stay here close to me. Kenny was the one who wouldn't go anywhere. I was wrong. Kenny left.

I love him. I need to tell him but I can't. He just stares straight ahead and ignores me every single time I say anything. It makes me feel like I'm dying on the inside. As if I'm suffocating. I thought I wanted to stay away from Kenny, as to not hurt him, but I can't. I just can't. I miss him too much. It hurts like hell, standing here and just watching him destroy himself, all because of me.

After I got to know what was going on I started to notice things, and realized how it all fit together. Why Kenny sometimes smelled a little strange, why he sometimes limped a little or why he sometimes suddenly had more money to spend. Kenny has been doing this all along and I never noticed. It should've been painfully obvious.

Somehow I would've probably felt better if Kenny just fucked around, not for the money. If he was sleeping around just cause he wanted to then I would be alright, I'd be okay with it. But this... No. Kenny doesn't want this. Kenny hates himself cause he's doing this. What Kenny actually wants is stability, and I am that to him. I wonder if that's why he fell in love with me in the first place, cause I was stable and convenient back then. I don't know.

I know why I fell in love with Kenny though. Because Kenny cared for me and helped me and made me feel important. Without him there's this empty hole in my heart. It's kind of the same with Stan. It's empty without him. But not exactly in the same way.

* * *

I've seen Stan around since that night in the rain, when so much went wrong. He looks a lot better now. He seems happy even. He's pulled himself back together and he looks like the Stan I know again. I'm glad. At least I didn't ruin Stan's life completely. Stan's old flame, Wendy Testaburger is back in town and that's probably why he's alright. They hang out together a lot and Stan seems so at ease with her. He must still really like her, like he did when we were kids. I'm so glad. I guess you could say that Stan and I are actually friends now. We've hung out a bit since that night, mainly cause I started asking him to, after everything got so lonely without Kenny. Stan doesn't know about what happened between me and Kenny and Stan doesn't ask. He isn't pushing it.

I thought is was best to stay away after the breakup at first, but turns out it wasn't necessary. Neither of us seem to dwell in the past and think about the pain of losing each other anymore. Cause in fact we haven't lost each other, the way we are have just changed. Stan is still there, just not as my lover. He's my super best friend.

* * *

Personally I think that I'm sinking. It's like quicksand and I can feel myself getting dragged deeper and deeper down. Further and further away from Kenny.

Just when he came back, he disappeared. He just appeared in my life again and made me happier and stronger, but he just left and it all has made my head spin and my heart ache so much. I can't blame him though. For wanting to stay away. But I wish he would just talk to me again, just once. So I can tell him, just how I feel. Just so I can stop sinking, into this quicksand that is my shitty life.

* * *

I feel so angry. I'm so mad that it feels like my blood is boiling, all the time. My temper has gotten horrible lately. It's like when Cartman was mocking me... That's what it feels like all the time. I just wanna yell. At Kenny. So much. I wanna yell at him about how stupid he's being, about how I hate being without him and about how he's just sinking too. About how he is ruining himself. Kenny is being really self destructive nowadays... Kenny is sinking, just like me. It's so easy to tell.

Kenny limps a lot more often now, almost all the time. Kenny always has bags under his eyes. He has gotten even skinnier, somehow. Kenny's eyes look dead. Kenny McCormick's vibrant, ocean blue eyes look dead. Can you believe it?

Kenny is practically killing himself like this. It hurts so much to think about it. The Kenny I know isn't there anymore. He's hurting too much and he can't bear with it. He built walls around himself and pushed everything away. I'm sure that he feels about as empty on the inside as he looks on the outside. I'm pathetic and can't do shit to help him, yet I've still cried myself to sleep so many nights just thinking about it. I'm pathetic and disgusting and such a loser.

Kenny is the only one. The only one I want. I really believe that he is the one. Yet we are both so messed up and we are sinking. I desperately reach out but Kenny pulls away. I know that he hates what he's doing, and I know that he's ashamed but I don't dislike him or resent him at all for what he's doing. All I want is to save him. I want to save Kenny. My beautiful Kenny, who isn't really mine. The lonely, fucked up, hurting mess that has become Kenny. I want to save him. I forgive him. For everything. For all the wrong choices he has made and all the bad things he has done. I know he'd feel the same way about me if I were to do something like that. If he would just come back. If Kenny would just be Kenny again then he would.

Those dead eyes need to come back to life. There's no way that I can ever forgive myself if they don't. I'll get Kenny back. No matter what. I just need to find a way, a way for him to open up again.

I miss it. The simple comfort of laying there together on my bed and just talking. Even though Kenny has never been one for talking about what he really feels, this Kenny has gone much more to the extreme.

* * *

Kenny's POV:

Kyle just walks past me and says hi and it feels like someone rips my heart out, chops it into tiny pieces and then stomps on it aggressively. I pretend that he doesn't exist but that is just eating me alive. He knows. Just how much I'm sinking and he knows that I feel like there is no point to keep going. He hurts because of that too. I pretend not to see it. Cause if I let my guard down then I'll be back there again, right next to him, and that'll only mess up the both of us even more. I can't go back. I don't want his fucking pity. Stop looking at me like I need so much of your god damn help. It's none of your business Kyle so just stop. Stop.

Kyle doesn't realize that he doesn't need me. That's the real problem here. If he could just get that into his head then everything would be fine. I would be miserable but that doesn't matter at all cause it's just me. I feel fucking nothing except disgust towards myself and I don't care anymore. I really don't care. All I care about is Kyle and staying the fuck away from him. Cause there's no point. There's no point in anything.

Those people that I usually have sex with for money... I let them do it for free now. I don't care. I really don't care. Do what the hell you want with me. It's not like it makes any difference. There's no chance in hell that I could ever be fixed so why not mess me up some more really. If you use me for your own entertainment that's great, at least I did something for someone.

I wander the streets a lot now. Most days I just spend wandering around, lost in thoughts, and whenever someone in a car pulls up and says my name I just do it and don't say anything. I don't say anything to anyone. I don't talk much at all anymore. Just when I absolutely have to. Otherwise my voice just won't come out.

I'm such a mess. Such a failure. Everything about me is wrong and that's it. I've learned to accept that I'm a nobody and that I'm nothing more than a little fucktoy for people. No one cares about me at all, except for maybe Kyle. But he only cares cause he thinks it's his fault. He feels guilty. What a moron. I brought this upon myself a long time ago. Yet I love him. I love him with every fiber in my body and I can't fucking stand it. I'm so gross and so wrong, yet I long for someone so pure and so right. There's no way. No way in hell, that he could be mine. The only thing I long for, the one person, is the only person I can't have, and also the only person I won't ever allow myself to have.

* * *

One morning when I feel even more awful than usual I wake up to hear a knock on the front door. I don't think I've felt this shit since right after I ran away from Kyle, that night in the rain. I get out of bed, and walk out into the hallway, not caring about the fact that I'm only wearing an old pair of boxers and an ugly t shirt that is so washed out that it almost falls apart. I haven't showered for like 5 days and I probably smell horrible, but who gives a shit? I'm a complete train wreck and I think that there's no fucking way that I'll be able to face anyone who might decide to appear at my house at 7.36 on a fucking Saturday morning. I consider what options I have, and who the fuck this person could be.

But when I open the old, wooden front door, and sunlight hits my filthy, disgusting face, there stands a person I totally didn't expect. In front of me is my old childhood friend Craig Tucker, with a dumb grin plastered on his face and his middle finger raised at me. This is not at all what I thought my morning would be like. God damn it. I'm not at all in the mood to talk to this moron, or anyone else really.


	12. Get Your Shit Together

Kenny's POV:

Craig Tucker grew up really nicely. Most people hit puberty, but I'm convinced that Craig Tucker completely beat the crap out of it. Craig is now 185 cm tall and very muscular but still fairly lean and slim. He has very angular and typically manly facial features but they're just right, and his face is just flawless. Especially his eyes. They're a strange, bright, golden color that just draws you in and captures you. His messy black hair shows from under that stupid blue hat that he still wears for some reason. Craig stands here in front of me in a navy blue hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans, and he just looks completely stunning. It makes me feel even more ugly and gross... I understand why so many girls are pining over Craig Tucker. He's damn good looking. Heck, I wouldn't mind fucking him myself if he felt like it. But well... I wouldn't really mind fucking basically anyone at the moment... Craig Tucker stands there grinning at me with his middle finger raised in mockery, and then I speak cause I want to for the first time in long...

"Craig..." I say in a raspy voice I barely recognize. I sound tired and annoyed, which is exactly how I feel. Craig rolls his eyes.

"Geez Kenny... I've been out of town for over half a year and this is how you welcome me back?" He makes a forced little pout, trying to mock me.

"Sorry... Good to see you again and all that crap..." I answer in a very monotone voice. He rolls his eyes once again and then starts to grin.

"You look like shit Kenny... And you smell like a dead cat..." He tells me.

"Don't point out the obvious, dumbass..." I answer. He must've heard the hurt in my voice, not because of him, but because of how shit I feel. He gives me a sympathetic smile.

"So... Can I come in or are you gonna make me stay out here in the cold?" Craig asks. I take a step to the side and let him in before I talk again.

"Are you sure you wanna be in the McCormick house? Might not be safe..." I say somewhat jokingly, even though I hate it. When I was a kid people started to suspect me getting beat up at home, just cause I had a lot of bruises and scars from REPEATEDLY DYING OVER AND OVER. Can't blame them though... My family has a shitty reputation after all. But they wouldn't do that. Instead they've just ignored me most of the time, except when I was needed. Now they barely ever talk to me. They know that I pay their fucking rent so they don't have to ask for fucking money and then they just don't give a shit about me.

"Are your parents home?" Craig asks in a somewhat serious tone, even though he got the joke. Craig knows that my parents wouldn't do that. I simply shake my head. They left town last weekend and I have no fucking idea where they went. Not like they tell me anything...

"Nothing to worry about then." Craig says with a grin.

* * *

Craig Tucker is a player. He likes to flirt with girls, fuck them once and then move on to the next one. Craig Tucker is the hottest guy in South Park, without much competition. Some people say that I'm very good looking too, almost as good looking as him. I just laugh at it. No way in hell. I always look like shit. Half the town must be blind or something. I'm lucky that I'm pretty good at seducing people or I'd probably still be a virgin. It's pretty surprising how many people actually want me... I don't understand why they do...

Once upon a time Craig was worse than me, when it comes to sleeping around. It might have even been that Craig was doing it that made me start considering it myself when that first girl approached me and wanted to fuck.

* * *

We end up sitting in my bedroom drinking coffee, cause Craig Tucker loves his damn coffee, and I just silently sit there waiting for him to get to the point so he can leave and I can continue being miserable in my loneliness.

"Can I smoke inside?" Craig asks, waving a cigarette in front of my face. I simply nod. My parents have done that on occasions anyway so it doesn't matter if Craig does it too. He grabs his lighter out of his pocket and lights the cigarette between his lips. He inhales deeply and then blows out the air again.

"Want one?" He asks me but he already knows what I'll answer.

"No way in hell, moron." I tell him. He grins at me. I take a sip from my cup of coffee and it tastes like ass. Craig hasn't commented on it though so he either likes this garbage or he's being polite. I'm pretty damn sure it's the former since Craig is Craig and he really likes being rude to me when he has the chance.

"Same as always Kenny... Most people wouldn't believe me if I told them that the McCormick's kid doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs whatsoever. They'd laugh at me even..." Craig explains.

"Yeah... Instead I just fuck for money and ruin my own life for no good fucking reason..." I say. Even though I just want Craig to go away, even though I desperately want to be alone, it's still nice. With Craig I can be honest. I guess it's just cause I know that he won't judge me for it. And I know my fair share of shitty things he's done too so...

"Kenny..." He says, looking at me with somewhat sad eyes. "What happened while I was gone?"

"Well you know... Got friends with Kyle again, he kinda kissed me, he broke up with Stan, he found out that I'm a prostitute, and then I confessed to him before leaving and now I'm avoiding him." Craig just sits there with his eyebrows raised.

"Is he mad at you?" Craig simply asks. I shake my head. He sighs and inhales some more smoke before he starts to speak again. "Then why the fuck are you avoiding him?"

* * *

I decide to tell him everything that happened, cause who the fuck cares. It's Craig Tucker. Even though we mock each other a lot and I can barely call him my friend I can still count on him to keep his mouth shut. So I just tell him. Cause I don't give a shit about if Craig Tucker knows that I'm a prostitute. I don't give a shit about if Craig Tucker knows that I love Kyle Broflovski with all my heart. And I certainly don't give a shit about if Craig Tucker knows that my current mental state is pretty fucked up.

Craig sits there with his mouth shut until I've finished rambling about all the crap that decided to happen to me these past few months. He's finished his coffee and smoked 3 cigarettes during the time I talked. His lungs are probably completely ruined from all the smoking... Then he tells me exactly what he thinks, the way Craig always does. I respect that about him. He's one of the most honest people I've ever met, except for those times when he's extremely sarcastic.

"You're such an idiot. Kyle clearly doesn't think having you in his life is making it worse, in fact you probably make it way better, and that's why he is trying to talk to you. Did you ever even try to hear him out about what he thinks?! It's selfish of you to just stay away cause you don't wanna feel guilty about making him hurt or whatever. And in fact, I'm pretty damn sure that Kyle Broflovski is really into you." Craig has his so damn annoying "I know better than you" smirk on his lips when he says all that.

"I'm not selfish Craig! I'm doing it for him you idiot... And what the hell do you mean when you say Kyle is into me?! Are you stupid or something?" I say and just stare at him. I'm not sure if Craig is just fucking with me or if he's serious.

"It sure seems like he is, judging by what you've told me..." Craig says in such a tone that it confirms it, he's giving me his true opinion. I'm suddenly hit by the feeling of needing to be alone again, and I want him to leave cause I just can't deal with anything now. He's lying. Craig is lying. Kyle doesn't love me. Liar. Liar. Liar. The completely honest Craig Tucker is lying. It's irrational and stupid of me to think so, but there is no way that Kyle could ever...

* * *

My heart aches as I think of Kyle again and there is no way that Craig could be telling the truth. No way. No way. No way. It feels as if I'm starting to hyperventilate, as I sit here gasping for air, while my head spins. It starts to worsen rapidly. And when I feel like it's getting way too much for me to bear, I feel a hand resting on my shoulder. It kinda calms me down and I just sit there staring at Craig's dumb hand that helped me so much just now.

Even though it might be really fucking stupid, I need to get Craig to leave, I can't fucking stand it. I can't stand being next to anyone at all except Kyle at the moment, yet Kyle is the only person I can't be next to. I just can't. I'm making myself go under, I'm losing it completely, just cause I don't want to fucking hurt Kyle. It feels so damn stupid now, after what Craig said, to keep staying away from Kyle, but I can't do anything else really. I feel like there is no options. I'm making myself go completely insane cause I'm too stubborn and stupid to get my shit together.

* * *

"Why did you decide to come here today?" I ask Craig with my shaky voice, my lungs are still having it somewhat difficult to do their job properly. I'm secretly just trying to get him to finish his business here so he can leave. It's best to stay away from everyone if I'm gonna go insane anyway. It'd be better if no one's around when I finally snap completely.

"Heard some rumors about Kenny McCormick becoming a big train wreck and I had to come see for myself..." He says somewhat mockingly. "And also cause I was gonna invite you to a party on Friday..."

"Whose party? And why would you want this train wreck to go?" I ask, sounding really monotone for some reason.

"Bebe decided to throw a "Welcome Home" party for me... Isn't it sweet of her? I want you to go cause we're buddies, and it isn't really a party in South Park if Kenny McCormick isn't there to bang some chick with big knockers..." After the last part he chuckles a little. I raise an eyebrow.

"Why would Bebe even throw a party for your sake?" I ask, feeling dumb. A grin appears on Craig's face.

"Just cause you know... I'm fucking her." He states proudly.

"Good job." I tell him genuinely.

"So, will you go?" Craig asks me, expectantly.

"Will Kyle be there?" I ask suspiciously.

"I'm pretty sure he won't be... Kyle isn't much for parties, right? So please go... I know a girl who is really interested in some fun with the infamous Kenny McCormick... Come on... She's a solid 8 1/2."

"Fine then..." I say with a sigh. "I'll go to the party, but if I see Kyle I'm leaving right away."

"Awesome! Oh, and... Try to pull your shit together and look a bit more presentable then..."

"Shut up, you fucker..." I tell him harshly.

"Ehm... Kenny... My name is Tucker... Not fucker... Idiot." He answers mockingly, before he stands up and starts to walk towards the door.

"Leaving already, asshat?" I ask him a little teasingly. Craig simply nods and neither of us says anything more as he goes. I can hear the front door close behind him and then Craig Fucker is gone. Tucker... Fucker... Same thing really...

* * *

I fall back onto my bed and lay there for a while, just staring at the ceiling. I feel so empty now for some strange reason. So I decide to think about Kyle again. At least I don't feel empty when I do that. I just feel this horrible pain in my chest. What did I do wrong? Why did my life have to become like this? My life has always just been filled with pain.

When I was a kid I died in strange ways, while feeling immense pain, almost daily. And now, so fucking many years later it still happens on almost a weekly basis. Got hit be a truck this Monday. Died from getting trapped in a freezer in the grocery store sometime last week, don't ask me how. It just happened. Fell down from a building the week before that... This never ending cycle just continues...

My parents have never loved me at all. They care more about drugs than anything else and their son isn't important to them whatsoever. I've been ignored and neglected by them for so long.

I'm the poorest kid in town, which forces me to fuck for money... Yeah... No more explaining needed there.

And worst of all. I can't do anything right when it comes to the person I love. I keep fucking up and ruining things, yet Kyle is still there and trying to reach out to me. I wish, I wish that I didn't feel so guilty. I wish that I could face him and actually do something. But I can't cause Kenny McCormick is useless and worthless and filthy. Kenny McCormick is probably disowned and hated by any and every god out there as well. I'm a failure.

* * *

I crawl into a fetal position and hug my legs close to my body. I remember how warm it was, when Kyle still laid close to me. I feel my eyes water and I try not to cry. I really do. The last time I cried was when I ran away. When I left Kyle. But it's all too much now. I start to cry and the tears won't stop.

I cry because I'm simply Kenny McCormick and my life is horrible. I cry because I can't die and get rid of this, I cry because I love Kyle and I don't know what to do, but most of all I cry because if I'm this sad and devastated and lonely I can at least feel something, anything. And that makes it a nice feeling, even though it hurts and it's almost too much for me to bear.


	13. Make it Go Away

Kenny's POV:

I want to make it go away. The emptiness, the disgust. But the pain is too much. That's why I do what I do. I don't have to think about it when I do those shameful things. My body is for a moment filled with a different feeling, that blocks out all the pain, the feeling of pleasure.

I end up going to Craig's stupid "Welcome Home" party like I told him I would. Even though I still feel like shit. I just want to continue laying in my bed and wasting away, but I still show up. I have a feeling Craig would be pretty pissed off otherwise so it's best to be here. I can hear the loud, lame music playing, already when I'm walking on the street, 4 houses away from the damn party.

When I walk through the door Craig Tucker is standing there, leaning against a wall, with a beer in his hand. He has that stupid grin on his face again. Right away he introduces me to the girl he mentioned earlier, and he was right, she's pretty good looking. She's a tall, curvy, brunette with big, sparkly, green eyes and her chest is pretty huge. Looks like she's my type... Not that I'm picky whatsoever. Craig quickly escapes and leaves the two of us alone.

The girl is really into me and it's obvious that she wants it, so why not. I don't even know her name when I pull her by the wrist towards the stairs. She giggles a bit and her walking is a little wobbly as I drag her through the crowd of half drunk people. She's probably somewhat drunk too.

* * *

I don't really like drinking, but I still show up at every party and act crazy just to keep up my facade as the shameless party animal Kenny McCormick. The truth is that I don't care about parties at all. Most of the time they're pretty lame and stupid. And I'm usually one of the very few people who aren't drunk or high or both. I guess that contributes to the lameness. When you're drunk or high you lose most of your common sense, so of course you'll probably think the party is amazing, when in reality it's lame as hell. But I pretend to enjoy myself, since that is part of that persona I created.

* * *

I walk up the stairs with the girl whose name I don't know and we head for the room that I know is Bebe's bedroom. I've been here before, and done a lot of stuff. When I was 16 I fooled around with Bebe for a while. But we both broke it off mutually so it wasn't a huge deal. Also Bebe host parties pretty regularly and I seem to end up here a lot...

I pull the girl into the room and when the door is closed behind us she leans forward and kisses my lips roughly. This girl is stupid. Why would she want me? Why would anyone ever want me? I have no idea... But they just do.

This is serious. Our clothes get discarded after mere seconds. Our bodies move against each other and for a while I forget the pain. This is the only thing that makes it go away, even if it's just for a brief period of time. Even though I'm doing something so filthy, I can't feel bad about it while I'm in the moment. I can't feel guilty or disgusted. So fuck it. Whatever. It feels good. She feels good. Nothing else matters now. Person number 99. Time number 986.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

I somehow ended up at Craig Tucker's "Welcome Home" party tonight. I feel really out of place. I'm not a party person really. Not at all. The house feels cramped and the air is bad. The entire place just reeks of alcohol, vomit and a smell I can't place... Probably some kind of drug. The music is shit and it's unbearably warm and sweaty in here. But most people are already drunk off their asses so they don't notice. All rationality has left them.

How did I end up here even? Well... I'm a good friend... That's how. Butters desperately wanted to go but was too scared to go alone, so he came to me and asked if I could go with him. When he looked at me with his big blue eyes, pleading for me to come to the party, I couldn't say no. I just couldn't. But he would've been completely fine on his own really.

Butters ended up chatting with a girl around our age from out of town that was here to visit her relatives... Apparently she's related to Tweek somehow, I don't know... Wasn't paying much attention. She hit it off pretty well with Butters, so I felt like the third wheel and decided to leave them alone. I ended up flopping down on a red couch in the living room, and that's where I've been sitting, alone, for the past hour. I feel like a complete loser while I sit her with my glass of soda. I don't drink... It's never really been my thing...

This party is pretty shit. Just a bunch of drunk people flirting and dancing like morons while leaving me out, so I sit here awkwardly curled up on the couch... Well... It can't really get any worse can it?

Maybe I should just leave? Not like anyone really wants me to be here...

I hear the front door open and I think it's just another random stranger coming to the party, but I still look towards the door. I'm desperately hoping that it's someone I know who could hang out with me and make me seem slightly less like a loser. Can someone please just save my night?!

* * *

And yes... The person entering the party is someone I know alright. But also the one person I can't fucking approach. Damn it. Kenny fucking McCormick. The guy I'm in love with, who loves me too and looks like a complete wreck, that has been ignoring me for the past few months. Fuck this shit.

When Kenny enters the party Craig Tucker almost jumps at him. He brought a tall, brunette girl with him and he introduces her to Kenny. I don't like her. She seems too fucking desperate and it's obvious that she wants Kenny real bad. Well... Not that I'm much better... I'm desperate too but... At least I don't just want sex...

Kenny hasn't noticed that I'm here and he ends up dragging the girl upstairs and I know. I just know. I don't have to follow them to know. Yet I still put down my glass on the table in front of the couch and I follow after them. They seem to be too busy to notice me. I do my best to be really quiet as I walk up the stairs, following them. They escape into a room and the door closes behind them. I almost refuse to believe it but I know. Kenny is doing that again. He's ruining himself again. I don't want to believe it, but it still was to be expected...

My chest aches and it's hard to breath, when I stand there just staring at the door handle. I feel dizzy and there's a knot in my stomach.

* * *

No. No. No. No. No. Please stop Kenny... You don't have to... You don't have to hurt, you don't have to ruin yourself... You're not just expendable like this... No... Please... Even though I know he isn't doing it for money now, he's doing it cause he wants to, it still feels wrong. Kenny, why do you do this to yourself? You deserve so much better...

My shaky hand reaches out for the door handle and I already know. I already know but I have to see it for myself. I turn the door handle and I open the door slightly. I peek through the small crack I've created and I see it. I see Kenny with that girl. Kenny's eyes look empty and I can tell that he's still hurting inside. He doesn't realize it himself when he is caught up in the moment but he's hurting. I can feel my eyes start to water. Kenny stop.

Kenny, I love you too. I wish I would've told you that. That night in the rain. But I couldn't. If I only had told you then I could've been able to save you. You might've stayed. You could've been mine, if I had told you. I feel the tears start to fall down my face, and I silently sob for a moment, just staring at the scene in front of me. Kenny was so close to me, not long ago, but now he's further away than ever. No matter how hard I try, there is no way to reach him. He isn't letting me in. A few more tears slowly fall. I take a deep breath. Then I close the door slowly and carefully so I won't be heard.

* * *

My mind is a mess and I just cry. I stand there crying for a while before I decide that I don't want anyone to see me like this. I walk further down the hallway. I find a dark corner where I just curl up into a ball and hide from everyone and everything.

I love you Kenny. Why can't you let me tell you that? Please, just let me in. Just for once, let me in, and let me take that burden off your shoulders. Please.

I don't understand... Why he never opens up. Kenny is the kind of person who silently hurts and pushes away anyone who wants to help. It might've worked out in the past but this is too much for him. I know. I can't do anything for him. He doesn't even see that I exist anymore. I'm a nobody and I hurt him so I don't deserve to be in his life but... I can't just watch him destroy himself like this. I don't know what to do.

I don't know for how long I stay there, curled up into a small shaking ball, crying in my loneliness... It could be just minutes or it could be hours. It's hard to tell when you're panicking and your mind wanders... But somewhere along the line I register a door opening and then footsteps leaving, walking down the stairs. I glance over towards the sounds through the blurry vision of my teary eyes. I spot his beautiful, dirty, blond hair. Kenny is done now... I continue to cry... And then more time passes again. Make it go away. Make the pain go away. Please. My pain doesn't matter but please, make Kenny's pain go away. Please. Someone.

* * *

The next time I hear anything else, except for the sound of the music downstairs, it is the footsteps of someone walking up the stairs. I don't look up cause I don't care who it is. I just want to lay here and cry, cry until I can't cry anymore, cry until I find something I can do for Kenny.

The person comes closer and closer. I'm pretty sure that they're almost right in front of me now. I try to stay completely still and quiet but I sniffle a little too loudly and the person notices me.

"Kyle?" A somewhat familiar voice says. I look up at the person with my still blurry vision, but it's still good enough so I can make out who it is.

"Craig..." I say weakly. Damn it. I don't want him, or anyone else for that matter, to see me like this. And earlier I thought the evening couldn't get any worse... It just got way worse...


	14. Comfort

Kyle's POV:

"Are you alright?" Craig asks as he kneels down in front of me and places a hand on my shoulder. I look him straight in the eyes. I consider lying but there's probably not a single lie I could come up with that he'd believe.

"Does it look like I'm alright?" I ask with my weak voice. He simply shakes his head and smiles at me gently.

"It'll be okay..." He tells me softly. He's so close that I can smell his breath... Alcohol. He's probably been drinking quite a lot tonight. It's his party after all... I'm pretty sure he isn't even slightly sober right now.

"I'm such a crybaby..." I say as I brush his hand off my shoulder. He just shrugs when I say that. I sit up properly and I move over to the side and make space for him. I have a feeling he isn't gonna leave very soon anyway. He flops down next to me and we sit there quietly for a moment before he breaks the silence.

* * *

"What is it that's hurting you now?" He asks carefully.

"A lot has been going on in my life lately I guess... And person I care a lot about isn't doing too great either... But it feels like I can't do anything." I explain quietly, barely above a whisper, but Craig still seems to catch what I'm saying.

"You're talking about Kenny, right?" Craig asks me. I get a little taken aback at first but then I remember that Kenny looks like shit too, he isn't just feeling like it... I nod silently and more tears escape my eyes. I look down at the floor, feeling too awkward to look at Craig.

"It's okay..." Craig says gently as he throws an arm around my shoulder and just holds me. It feels safe. I've never thought of it before but Craig is actually very kind and comforting, strangely enough. "Kenny will pull through. I just know it... He's stronger than he seems right now..."

"You sure?" I ask shakily.

"I'm positive!" Craig exclaims. "Just be there for him and it's alright..."

"What good would I do? He doesn't even want me around..." I tell him sadly.

"You're wrong... He loves you... Of course he wants you around..." Craig explains. "He's just feeling too guilty to let you in."

"I guess that could be possible..." I answer silently. Craig's arm leaves my shoulder, and he then carefully grabs my chin and pulls it up, so now our faces are slightly too close. His golden eyes meet my own. Another tear falls down my face.

"You love him back, don't you?" Craig asks. He knows already. Craig is pretty observant so he figured it out. No point in hiding it...

* * *

I'm not sure if I could actually say it out loud so I just nod at Craig. He smiles at me, and I smile back, just a little. Craig then does something strange. He leans closer, still holding my chin in a firm grip, making it almost impossible for me to escape. He pulls his tongue out towards the side of my face and licks away the tears that's falling. I just stare at him. After the tears are gone he pulls back a little and smiles at me again.

"I'm sorry if this isn't really appropriate..." He whispers gently, and then he moves forward again. Craig's lips touch mine softly at first. I stare at him in disbelief. He then moves forward a little more, adding some pressure to my lips. He starts to kiss me with more force. Craig is drunk and probably doesn't know what the hell he's doing. But his head still seemed pretty clear just a moment ago so that's pretty strange...

His tongue slips inside my mouth and I feel a strong taste of alcohol and ashes. But that doesn't matter. I kiss him back, just cause I can. For a moment I try to pretend that it's Kenny, but it's practically impossible so I give up. Instead I just close my eyes and focus on kissing him back, and the song that I can hear playing in the background. It's actually the only song I like that's been played so far tonight. Time-bomb by All Time Low. I try to focus on the lyrics as I kiss Craig passionately even though the song doesn't fit the situation whatsoever. But who the fuck cares.

* * *

 _It was like a time bomb set into motion  
_ _We knew that we were destined to explode_

I break apart for a few seconds to catch my breath, and Craig grins at me. I suddenly feel like what we are doing is wrong. I love Kenny. Why am I fooling around with Craig? He wraps his arms around my waist, in a way that is much rougher than what Stan used to, and then his lips connect with mine again. I lose my train of thought.

 _And if I have to pull you out of the wreckage_  
 _You know I'm never gonna let you go_

Craig suddenly decides to push me down onto the floor. He lays on top of me, pinning my hands above of my head, kissing me furiously. The kissing is sloppy and it still tastes like alcohol and ash but it's kinda nice, and a bit different. I haven't had someone this close to me in a while so it feels really good.

 _We're like a time bomb  
Gonna lose it, let's defuse it_

* * *

That's when all the thoughts hits me. I'm transgender. If I were to go any further he'd know. And Craig Tucker and I aren't close at all or anything so I'm pretty sure he'd tell everyone if he found out. I don't want people to know. I don't want people to treat me differently. So I have barely told anyone. Almost no one knows my secret. I've really only ever told Stan, Kenny and Cartman... That one time 9 years ago, when it felt like it was all too much. But I've started to learn how to accept it lately. That I'm not the same as others, and that is okay. Yet I'm still terrified of being judged by other people.

I need to stop. Now. Not only because of that, but because of Kenny. This is not what I want. I want Kenny and only Kenny. I need to tell him. That it's alright. That I accept what he's done, but that he can change if he wants to. And I need to tell him that I love him as well. I'm almost at my breaking point now. I can't stand seeing Kenny like this so I need to confront him. I don't care about how hard it is. I have to.

* * *

 _Baby, we're like a time bomb  
But I need it  
Wouldn't have it any other way_

I pull away from Craig and our lips disconnect. Kissing him was pretty interesting, but this has to stop now.

"Stop... Get off... Ehm... Kenny..." I start, trying to form a proper sentence, but my head spins too much, and I'm still gasping for air. Craig smiles at me and pulls away completely.

"Did I kiss some sense into you then?" Craig asks with a smirk.

"Huh?" I raise an eyebrow in confusion.

"Well... Do you know better what to do now?" He asks.

Actually I do know better now... I need to talk to Kenny. About everything that has happened. Wait. Wait. Wait. Don't tell me this was his plan all along?!

"Yeah..." I say quietly, still out of breath after all the kissing.

"Good... My plan worked then..." He says, his smirk growing wider. "I was planning to go a bit further if you wanted to... But you pulled yourself together pretty fast so that wasn't needed..."

Craig motherfucking Tucker. You calculating bastard. I'm not sure if I should be completely furious at him or really happy that he helped me out.

* * *

I simply stand up, adjust my clothes a little, and then I walk off while giving him the middle finger. Craig has done something similar to what I do now before so I just thought it would fit the situation really...

I feel better now. I don't feel great or anything, but I'm okay... I'm still a bit shaken up by tonight's events... And I'm pretty pissed at Craig... It was a strange night... But I feel like I finally know what to do. And it's nice, to have a goal. To have something to work towards, even though it's something as small as making Kenny McCormick listen to me while I'm talking. It's still nice. This is good. I need this.

I wonder what I'd want to do in the future. My life has been directionless for a long time so I never really thought much about it. My parents want me to become a lawyer, so I guess my mind settled for that idea. But now, I've realized that I have to do what I want to do with myself, and do it for me and no one else. That's why it didn't work out with Stan, cause I didn't do what I wanted for myself, I did what I thought he wanted me to do. I've only ever done things for other people's benefit in the past. But I won't anymore. I'll do what I want from now on. And all that I want right now is to be with Kenny McCormick.

When I stand on the top of the staircase and I'm about to go downstairs I turn around and look at Craig. He sits there on the floor where I left him, looking somewhat dumbfounded. But then he raises his hand and gives me the middle finger back, with a smile on his face. I smile back at him.

"Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Kenny someday soon... But I'm going home for tonight..." I simply state.

"Are you sure you don't wanna stay at the party for a bit longer?" Craig asks.

"Parties are lame... And drunk people are just gonna come onto you and try to fuck you if you stay for too long... See ya..." I tell him with a shrug and I walk down the stairs. I'm planning on going straight home and going to bed now.


	15. Old Friends

Kenny's POV:

It was nice. Being with that girl for a moment. Even though I always end up feeling so used and filthy afterwards. Doesn't really matter though. It feels right in the moment so I still do it. Every time. Every fucking time.

After we're done we both put our clothes back on and leave the room without saying a word. There's no point in talking. She got what she wanted. She fucked Kenny McCormick so there's no need for her to be nice anymore. We walk down the stairs and then she just disappears in the crowd of drunk people. She's probably gonna go tell her friends all the details. A lot of them do that.

I end up flopping down on an empty couch and I lay back. I'm tired. So damn tired. Tired of everything. But I can't escape. I can never escape. I can't die. I can't commit suicide and escape this. I wish I could. If I could've died for real I would've committed suicide quite a while ago. But there is no point. No point in anything. I'm tired. Let me disappear. Please. There's no point. No point at all in my existence. Make me go away. Please.

I note that a single glass, with what seems like soda in it, stands on the table in front of the couch. My eyelids start to feel heavy and I feel like I'm about to fall asleep at any second. I sit up roughly and rub my eyes. I can't sleep here. No. I hate sleeping at parties.

* * *

I casually look to the side and examine the crowd of people. That's when I see it. That fluffy, bright red, curly hair. Kyle. For a brief moment I see Kyle pushing through the crowd and escaping the house. Kyle has been at the party all along. I just stare at the spot where Kyle was just a moment ago and my heart starts to hurt.

So tired. I don't know what to do. Kyle I'm sorry. I just sit there in my spot on the couch, staring out into the empty air for a while. I don't know what to do. I miss Kyle. So much. With every fiber in my body. But there's no way. No way to go back. Kyle, you'll be fine. I know you will be. I'm not needed so you'll be alright. I promise. I don't know for how long but I just sit there staring. For too long. The people who see me must think I'm really weird. Whatever, they're drunk and won't remember it in the morning... I'm suddenly dragged back to reality by a voice.

* * *

"Kenny?" I turn my head towards the person and I blink a few times. He smiles at me gently. "Long time no see!" He exclaims. He seems happy to see me... I smile back at him.

"Yeah... It's been a while Stan..." I say slowly. I move over so there's a free spot on the couch, indicating that he should sit down. I need some company right now, and Stan seems to actually want to talk to me again so I ain't gonna stop him. I still see him as a friend, even though it felt like he stole Kyle away from me. He happily complies and sits down. Stan has a beer in his hand, but if I know him right he's not gonna get that drunk... Stan tends to just gets a little tipsy and then stops at that. He had problems with handling alcohol when he was younger, but he controls himself a lot better nowadays.

"So... How's life?" Stan asks me and takes a sip from his beer.

"It's pretty shit..." I tell him honestly. I don't lie to him cause there is no any point in hiding it. I look like shit, feel like shit, and act like shit. Stan knows already. So I don't lie.

"I figured as much..." He answers. After that there is a moment of silence between us. My childhood friend, Stan Marsh, who hasn't actually talked to me properly in at least 3 year, is sitting here right next to me wanting to talk. It's strange. But it's alright. I've missed him. Feeling a bit daring, I ask something I've wondered for a while. I never found out. Since I couldn't ask Kyle.

"That night... When Kyle went to your house to end it... What happened?" I ask carefully, feeling a bit worried about Stan's reaction to my question. He looks a little taken aback but answers soon after.

* * *

He explains everything that happened that night. Even how they kissed, one last time. It hurts to listen to him at first, hearing about how much pain they both felt that night. Stan tells me about how devastated he was at first, but someone pulled him out of it. I just smile at him. I know that it was Wendy Testaburger. Stan always seemed to have a soft spot for Wendy, even while he was with Kyle. Kyle never noticed it himself though.

I'm glad things worked out for Stan at least. Stan deserves to be happy. Even though we aren't close anymore, I still care for him a lot.

"Something happened between you and Kyle afterwards... Right?" Stan asks. "You're avoiding him..." I simply nod before I start to talk.

"He ended up figuring out some things and I ended up hurting him a lot I guess... Doing something I shouldn't... I'm avoiding him now cause I don't want to hurt him anymore..." I tell Stan, phrasing it carefully as to not tell him too much of what I'm actually doing. But it might be too obvious already so he could already know about the whole prostitution thing...

"I think Kyle has already forgiven you for that. You don't have to hide from him." Stan answers with a smile.

"But... How can I face him when I know he hates what I'm doing to myself?" I ask, my words barely above a whisper.

"Just stop then. It's that simple. No one is forcing you to continue. You hate it too right? So there's no point in continuing. In fact... The only person who isn't forgiving you right now is you... Stop looking down on yourself so much Kenny. Kyle really loves you. You just have to notice that." Stan explains to me with a gentle voice. He has small smile on his lips. I sit there frozen for a moment with my mouth open. Both Stan and Craig. They think Kyle is in love with me? What? Are they insane?!

* * *

"It's not that easy... To forgive yourself..." I answer sadly. "And there is no way in hell that Kyle would feel that way."

"It's true. He does!" Stan says, I can tell that he's being dead serious. But I just can't believe him.

"How do you know?" I ask quietly.

"Kyle told me." Stan answers. I raise my eyebrows and just stare at him. "Did you try listening to him Kenny? Did you give him time to talk?"

Stanley fucking Marsh, you gotta be joking, right? I shake my head slowly.

"I thought so..." Stan answers. "You should let him talk Kenny. Kyle needs you, so please be there for him. Continue being by his side that way, like you've always been. Don't stop now."

"Thank you... You're right... I guess you talked some sense into me..." I tell him with a smile on my face.

"No problem Kenny... Look..." Stan seems to struggle to find the right words. "I know I've done you wrong many times before... But I... I'm really sorry... I'm sorry that I was never there when you needed someone. I'm sorry." I can almost see Stan's eyes starting to water. Typically Stan. He's a really emotional person. Especially when he drinks.

"It's alright Stan... You're here right now... And that's enough." I tell him honestly. "The past doesn't matter. The future is what's important."

"The past doesn't matter. The future is what's important." Stan repeats with a smile on his face. "You should follow that advice yourself moron. Don't get stuck in your habits and just sit there dwelling in the past. Turn your life around and become happy Kenny. After all these hardships you've been going through, you really deserve it."

"You're right Stan. You always are. You should do the same though... Don't think about what you went through with Wendy so many years ago. Just ask her out. I know that you're in love with her."

* * *

Giving Stan some advise is the least I can do now, after he just turned things around for me. I need to face Kyle. If he loves me then I'd be very happy. But if he doesn't for real then so be it. I need to let him tell me what he wants to tell me. And I need to stop ruining my own life. I'm not just a fucktoy for everyone else's amusement. I'm Kenny McCormick and I'm worth a lot more than I think I am.

"How did you know?" Stan asks quietly, and then he finishes what's left of his beer. He puts the empty bottle on the table. I grin at him.

"I just knew... After knowing you for so long I can just kinda tell..." I answer truthfully.

"That sounds accurate enough..." Stan tells me, before he does something unexpected. He leans to the side and puts his head on my shoulder. I don't push him away, I let his head rest there. It's nice. It makes me feel like he cares for me I guess. There is now a comfortable silence between us for a while. We just sit there, next to each other.

Stan Marsh is still my friend, after all this time, and I'm not worthless and unwanted. There are people that care about me. There are people who don't want me to hurt. That's why Stan approached me. Cause he didn't want me to hurt anymore. And he doesn't want Kyle to hurt either. I appreciate it. There's still people who care. Just because I don't care it doesn't mean that others feel the same way. I almost feel stupid now, for ruining myself for so long. All this self destruction, it really did not serve a purpose. Stan breaks the silence after a while.

"I'll do it... I'll tell Wendy how I feel..." He tells me.

"Sounds like a good plan..." I say with a smile. "I'm glad I could be of some help at least..."

"You're a lot greater than you make yourself out to be Kenny..." Stan tells me, and I feel happy. For the first time in a long time I feel genuine happiness again. It's the most wonderful feeling.

* * *

Stan then moves away from my shoulder and he stands up. Our eyes meet. We both smile, and I know what he's about to do, why he's about to leave. He set his mind to it now, and I know that it'll all turn out alright for Stan. He's a strong person, and I know Wendy will return his feelings. The way she looks at him makes it obvious. She loves him.

"Thank you Kenny..." Stan tells me genuinely. "Today I got to talk to the real you... You don't need to hide behind that mask. I think this Kenny McCormick is a lot better than the one you pretend to be..." I smile at him, but I don't say anything. Stan then walks off into the crowd, searching for Wendy Testaburger.

I stand up and walk towards the front door. I decide that I should leave the party. There is no real point in staying. I have some thinking to do. As I walk home this cold night, I wonder if Kyle's evening was as eventful as mine. Who knows?

* * *

When I come home, at 01.24, I tiredly fall back on my bed. I look at the ceiling and smile. I'll talk to Kyle soon, the next time I see him. I'll let him tell me all he needs to tell me. And I'll tell him how I feel too.

I don't need to hurt anymore. Stan is right. There is no need to hurt myself or make my existence in this world more miserable. I've hurt enough. With these safe, reassuring thoughts in my head, my eyelids start to feel heavy again, and I feel alright. Even though I'm completely exhausted, and so sick of all the pain, I still feel alright. I wonder if Kyle is asleep right now...

I love you Kyle Broflovski, and if you want me to, I'll let you love me back from now on.


	16. Angel

Stan's POV:

Sometimes I think that Wendy is actually an angel sent from heaven... It sounds cheesy and stupid. I know. It's really silly... But when she lays here next to me, all of her milky white, beautiful skin exposed, there's not a single flaw anywhere. She's just so stunning. Wendy Testaburger lies here next to me, completely naked, on her side, looking at me with her amethyst colored eyes. She is the most perfect thing I've ever seen. I feel a bit self conscious next to her, in my own exposed state... I don't look bad or anything but... She could still do a lot better really... Yet she picked me. I smile at her and she smiles back at me. I love Wendy, more than anything. It's strange, this time was more intimate than any other time I've done this before, more intimate than ever, yet we just went upstairs at the party after I ended up confessing...

Kenny was right, when he told me that I should ask her out. I'm glad I talked to Kenny. He looked like he was about to break down completely. These past months have been hard on him. I feel bad... As soon as my life turned in the right direction, his became the opposite, a downwards spiral. Kenny's life seems to be filled with misery. But I think I pulled through and made him feel better. He seems to finally have a plan, and a reason to stop. Stop fucking strangers, stop hurting himself, and stop avoiding the one person that's actually good for him. I'm glad I talked to Kenny. He really needed me, and I needed him too. All this time I neglected one of my best childhood friends, just because of this silly thing called jealousy. I hurt him and pushed him away. I was jealous and worried that he'd take Kyle away from me. In the end he actually did take Kyle away from me. But that's okay, I've accepted that.

* * *

I hope that Kenny and Kyle will be alright. But I think they should be. They love each other after all, more than anything. I can see it in their eyes, when they look at each other. I think it's the same way that I look at Wendy, and I hope it's the way she looks at me too. I think Kyle and Kenny are just meant to be with each other. Now that I think about it they've always had this bond, a very special bond that went unnoticed by many people, but I always saw it. It was something I could never have. I longed for it so badly, to be the person Kyle looked at that way, to be the one Kyle smiled at like that.

I don't doubt that Kyle loved me, all those years we were together. He did. He really did. But love isn't always enough. We never shared that trust, that Kyle shares with Kenny. Kyle trusts Kenny more than anyone, and because of that I was so afraid. For so long was I afraid that Kenny would take him away from me... It's funny really, cause now I'm instead hoping that Kenny will stay with him. I'm sure that Kenny is just what Kyle needs. They'll be alright.

I still love Kyle. Of course I do. You can't just stop loving someone after 9 years. But I've accepted that things don't always turn out like you initially want them to. Our relationship became too flawed and neither of us could've continued on like that. It'd only hurt more in the end. But I'm okay with how things turned out for me. I just hope things turn out fine for Kyle too. It should be okay though. I have faith in him and Kenny.

I'm glad I can at least be Kyle's friend now. I am still a part of his life. I didn't lose him, like I thought I would. We just became something different from what we were before. Our relationship just changed into something else. That's a good thing. Even though it hurt, I think we both needed it.

* * *

I lean down, and carefully press my lips to Wendy's warm forehead.

"I love you Wendy..." I whisper softly. I really do love Wendy Testaburger. It's strange how things change. But Wendy makes me absolutely crazy, in a way my love for Kyle didn't. My head spins, my heart beats faster, and I can't see anything else, besides her and it's ridiculous. I don't even know what's going on anymore. This love is so different. But I guess every love is different.

"I love you too Stan..." She says carefully and pulls me in for a hug. I wrap my arms around her and we lay there, our naked bodies pressed together, in silence for a while.

I hope it'll last with Wendy. She's good for me. She takes care of me when I need her to and I trust her, more than I've ever trusted anyone before. I'm head over heels in love and I feel like the happiest person alive, laying here in her embrace. I just hope she feels the same way.

* * *

After I left Kenny I looked everywhere for Wendy. I knew she was going to the party, she had told me that a few days before. But when I showed up at the party I couldn't find her, and then I got distracted when I saw Kenny...

I managed to find her this time though. She was standing outside, alone in the backyard. She smiled at me when she noticed that I approached her.

"Out here alone...? Dumb question I know..." I said. Wendy giggled a little before answering.

"Yeah... I needed some fresh air..." She told me. Wendy was wearing a long pale blue dress, and she looked absolutely gorgeous in it. I desperately tried to come up with a way to tell her how I felt but my mind was a mess and I didn't know what to say at all. I ended up looking up at the sky, watching the beautiful stars. Wendy did the same as she stood right next to me. Suddenly her soft little hand reached out for mine and our fingers intertwined. A smile appeared on my face. I squeezed her hand a little.

"Wendy... Do you like me?" I asked her carefully. All I got for an answer was a simple nod. "Wendy... I mean... Do you like me for real? Not as just a friend?" I could hear my voice shake as I asked the last part.

"Stan..." She said my name quietly, her voice sounding weak and vulnerable. I got worried and almost started rambling as I continued to talk.

"It's fine if you do... And it's fine if you don't but... I just need to tell you something." I said. "Wendy, you're amazing... I remember now why I liked you so much as a kid... And those feelings have started to come back... I think I'm in love with you..." My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt so scared. What if I ruined everything now? But it didn't matter. I needed to tell her. Or I would've never known. I would've never known if I had a chance to be with Wendy Testaburger or not.

* * *

Before I could register what happened Wendy stood there right in front of me. Her amethyst eyes stared straight into my blue ones as she stood on her tiptoes and moved forward, pressing our lips together. It was a very gentle kiss and she moved her lips softly against mine. I didn't know how to react and I was completely frozen in place for a moment. Wendy kissed me. She likes me back. It took a while for it to register but when it finally did I felt this incredible happiness, I was more happy than I've ever been in my life before, and I started to kiss her back. We both pulled away after a moment and a small blush tinted her cheeks.

"I think I'm in love with you too Stan..." She told me shyly with a smile on her face. The rest happened so fast, the kisses escalated, and before I knew it she was pulling me up the stairs, while smiling seductively at me. And then we did despicable things. We ended up here in each others arms, in this precious, comfortable embrace afterwards. I was actually her first. Wendy Testaburger lost her virginity to me. It makes me happy, that she'd let me take something like that from her. It makes me feel like I'm special to her. I hope I really am.

That night, after Kyle had broken my heart, I never thought I'd be alright again. I thought nothing mattered anymore. But I met Wendy then, when everything felt so dark, and she showed me that there are other things that do matter. Wendy is like a dream, and I could wake up from it at any moment now and realize it was never real. But it is real. Wendy is real and this is real. Knowing that is the best feeling in the world.


	17. Acceptance

Kenny's POV:

The next few days pass by without anything special happening. Except for last night when there was a storm and I decided to go outside to get some fresh air... Wasn't my brightest idea. For a moment I forgot that the world fucking hates me. Ended up getting struck by lightning again and died... Oh well... Woke up in my bed this morning just like usual. It still hurt as fuck when it happened though...

I need to see Kyle soon, I know. But I've been putting it off for a few days I guess... I'm just waiting for him to approach me again so I can let him talk... It'd be pretty weird to just walk up to him and tell him that he has things to say to me. So that's why I haven't confronted him about anything yet.

* * *

The day goes by kinda slowly, but still, before I know it the sun has still set and it's night time. The sky is clear tonight and the stars are visible. I put on my old, worn out jacket that I don't particularly like but still wear cause I have nothing else, and I walk out into the backyard. The air is chilly but fresh. I briefly look up at the sky.

I get this feeling. Tonight will be a good night. I can just tell. It's weird, but I can feel it. I decide to lay down in the grass, on my back, and I look up at the glistering stars in the night sky. They're beautiful. I've always liked stars. I used to do this a lot as a child. I didn't realize it until just now, but I've missed doing this. It gives me such a calming and nostalgic feeling. Why didn't I think of this sooner? Maybe it could've been able to calm me down, when things were the worst... Oh well... Too late for that now.

I continue to lay there in silence, with my back pressed against the cold, hard ground, for I don't know how long. My mind wanders, and my thoughts touch a lot of different topics. But none of them seem very meaningful and I barely register whatever it is that I'm thinking.

* * *

It might've been a few minutes, or several hours before the silence is broken and I'm pulled out of my trance.

"Kenny..." A voice says behind me and it's barely above a whisper. I'd still recognize that voice anywhere. It surprises me a bit. How could he have gotten here without me noticing a thing? Was I really that distracted?

I sit up and simply pet the spot on the ground next to me, indicating for the boy to sit there. He complies and sits right next to me. My head turns towards him and his stunning emerald eyes meet mine. I smile softly at him. He seems a bit nervous and worried. It's strange seeing him like this... He's usually so comfortable around me.

"Kyle..." I say carefully. The name rolls on my tongue nicely, like always. Kyle's eyes widen for a moment, I guess he thought I was still ignoring him. He then finally smiles back at me. He lets out a small sigh before he starts to talk.

"How are you doing? You look better than earlier..." He says quietly.

"Yeah... I feel better... Stan talked some sense into me..." I answer honestly.

"I see... I'm sorry that I wasn't of much help..." Kyle tells me sadly. I shake my head, and he blinks at me a few times.

"It's alright... No need to apologize..." I tell him. "You wanted to help... I was just way too stubborn to listen to you anyway..."

"Yeah... It was like I didn't exist or something... Like I was invisible..." Kyle explains slowly.

"You weren't though... It hurt like hell... Trying to avoid you so much..." I tell him. "But I still couldn't face you Kyle... I just couldn't..."

"Why not?" He asks. "I wasn't mad or anything... I missed you."

"I know... But I felt guilty and I was selfish... I thought... I thought that staying away from you would mean that I wouldn't hurt you anymore and that I wouldn't need feel guilty... But I was wrong..." I still feel guilty, as I sit here and tell him all this. But Kyle missed me, and that makes me so happy... He cares about me. For real.

* * *

"You didn't really hurt me... What hurt me was that you yourself were hurting so much..." Kyle explains sadly and suddenly I feel very bad for him. I did wrong and in reality I avoided him for no good fucking reason... I've been so unfair to him.

"I'm sorry..." I tell him. "I misjudged the situation. I messed up and made it all complicated..." Kyle shakes his head.

"Doesn't matter... It's all fixable..." He tells me with a determined look in his eyes.

"I'll take that as if I'm forgiven..." I say, with a smile and Kyle nods a little. After a brief pause I continue to talk."Why did you come here tonight, Kyle?"

"Because I... I have things I need to tell you... I'm not sure how you'll react to hearing these things and I'm not sure how to say this but... I need to tell you anyway..." Kyle's voice sounds shaky and weak. I can tell that he is struggling to get the right words out.

"It's okay Kyle... Just think of it like it's one of our usual talks... You'll tell me how you feel and I'll just listen... Like always..." I encourage Kyle, and I earn a cute smile from him. This person in front of me, is all that I need. I'd do anything in the world for Kyle. I love him, with all my heart. If Stan and Craig were both right, of they weren't lying, Kyle will tell me what I desperately want to hear. Kyle will love me back.

I finally feel like I'm ready to be loved. When you've never loved yourself, you feel like there's no possibility that anyone else could. But I know now, that there will always be someone in the end, who sees past all of those insecurity of yours, and who will fall for you anyway. I hope my someone is Kyle. Please let it be Kyle.

You won't be unloved forever. No matter how much it feels like you will be. Cause that someone is out there. For everyone. You just need to find them.

* * *

"Thank you Kenny..." Kyle says quietly, before he takes a deep breath and starts telling me what he needs to. "Kenny... I accept you... Just like you are..."

I raise an eyebrow for a moment... What does he mean by that?

"The world has been unfair to you, and you've made bad choices in life... You've done many wrong things and you've treated yourself awfully... For so long. But I accept that. I don't hate you, or what you've been doing, even though I can't say I particularly like what you've done with yourself... I accept you like this. You're still Kenny, and you're still one of my best friends."

I can almost feel how my eyes start to water, as Kyle tells me these things. My eyes lock with his and I stare into them the entire time that he speaks. I hug my legs close to my body and continue to listen to him.

"All these despicable things you've done... They don't matter to me Kenny. What matters is that you're you. You're Kenny and you're very precious to me... I hate seeing you hurt yourself so much... And for what? To not think about that you love me? To get some extra money? To escape this pain that will inevitably just come back even worse?"

* * *

I know for certain now that I've started crying... I guess I've turned into a crybaby lately... I used to keep everything bottled up inside, but that doesn't work anymore. Especially not here, not with Kyle. I smile sadly at him and he smiles back. I'm at a breaking point here.

"There's no point Kenny... There is no point in continuing to do this... There is no reason to continue hurting... I'm right here Kenny, and I'm not going anywhere... You can leave it all behind you, and create a future for yourself..." Kyle tells me, and I believe every single word he says to me. Suddenly I don't hate myself quite as much. I'm not completely useless. I can make something of myself, but I just don't know what. I sob loudly now and I probably look like a mess. I'm shaking and my vision is blurry. Kyle doesn't comment on it. All he does is pull me closer and he wraps his arms around me protectively. I feel so happy, with Kyle so close to me like this. He tells me all these things, these things that make me feel like I'm not worthless. Kyle likes me and cares for me which makes me want to like myself too.

* * *

"You're strong Kenny... I know you can do this... And you don't have to be alone. I won't leave you when you need me this time. I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me too... I promise." Kyle tells me so kindly, and I just sob even more. The person I love is telling me all these kind things and I don't know how to react. Everything is starting to break apart, and I'm so happy. Even though it hurts and I'm crying so much.

"But... Do you really want to?" I ask with a shaky, weak voice. "Are you sure you want to stay by my side?"

"I'm sure Kenny. Completely sure." He tells me seriously. "Let's try to leave this behind us, and move on. There is no need to worry about this anymore Kenny. This world will finally be a happy place for you." When Kyle says that is when everything crumbles. Every last bit of self-hatred and worry I had, it all just disappears. I cling desperately to Kyle and sob loudly into his chest. For a moment I wonder if he thinks I'm a nuisance, but if I were then he wouldn't be here now. If I wasn't important to him then he wouldn't have bothered to come here at all. Kyle sits there, quietly petting my head as I continue to cry and let out all of my feelings. It feels good, to let it all out.

We stay like this for a few moments. After a while, when I've calmed down and stopped crying, I pull away from his embrace. The air feels cold and I miss Kyle's warmth but I still don't go closer to him again. I'm not sure where he stands yet... I don't know what he thinks we are, so I don't push it... I'll ask Kyle some other time, what I am to him. But I don't need to right now, because his presence next to me is enough for the moment. We're friends, and that's at least something. I'm so happy, and finally I can say that I really deserve to feel this way. I'm not horrible or wrong or disgusting or gross. I'm okay. I'm only human.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

I actually got to talk to him. For real. I didn't expect him to listen, when I first got here. But he did. Kenny finally decided to stop avoiding me. I'm glad. He's finally going in the right direction. He's realized that he doesn't need to hurt himself anymore. I'm so happy. I got through to him. I finally did.

When he cried in my arms and I held him close, I felt both sadness and happiness. It hurt to see him cry, but I know that they weren't sad tears this time, so it's okay. I think Kenny is finally opening up to me for really. Finally.

I still have one thing to tell him. He has to know. That I love him. I love Kenny McCormick, just the way he is. I can't say that I like what he has done to himself but... He doesn't want to be like this anymore. I know that he doesn't. Kenny doesn't want this pain. So I'll be here for him, I'll support him and I'll cherish him. I'll protect him. Kenny needs me and I need him too.

I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to tell him that I return his feelings. But it can wait a moment. Right now I think we both just want to enjoy each others company. It's been too long since we talked, since we were together last time. So for now, let's just stay this way.

* * *

After Kenny has stopped crying, and seems to have calmed down a bit, we both end up laying back on the ground. We are right next to each other, we're so close that our arms are almost touching. We silently watch the small, bright stars up in the night sky. I really like stars. They're so amazingly beautiful. Almost, just almost, as beautiful as Kenny is. I feel a little daring, and I desperately want Kenny to be closer to me, even if it's just a little... I have absolutely no idea what to do about that, so I simply move my hand, placing it in his, and intertwining our fingers. Kenny's hand is comfortably warm tonight. I wish that I could hold it more often... Hopefully he'll let me do that in the future.

"Thank you Kenny..." I whisper, with a smile on my face. "Thank you for existing... And thank you for making me happy."

It's finally gonna be alright. We're finally gonna be alright again.


	18. Wishing on a Fallen Star

Kenny's POV:

"Thank you Kenny..." Kyle whispers to me softly, his lips curled into a beautiful smile. "Thank you for existing... And thank you for making me happy."

I just stare at him. I swear to god, I'm about to cry again. I don't think I've ever cried as much, not even once, as I have tonight. I'm wanted. I'm needed. I'm not worthless. I make Kyle happy. I'm so glad. I feel alright.

I try to hold the tears back as best as I can. Kyle doesn't say a word, even when those few tears do spill out of my eyes. He just squeezes my hand carefully, and it's a gesture that makes me feel safe.

I look up at the stars and I smile. It's almost like a dream...Such a beautiful dream. A dream that might even end soon and I'll be completely shattered when I wake up in the morning and realize it. But it isn't a dream. This is reality. Kyle is really here, right next to me.

* * *

Suddenly I see something in the sky. A bright star that moves. It's as if it's falling.

"Did you see that Kenny?" I simply nod. "A fallen star... Make a wish." Kyle then tells me.

I smile and I close my eyes. I know exactly what to wish for. After we've decided upon our wishes, Kyle speaks up.

"What did you wish for?" He asks curiously. I turn my head towards him and I smile happily. My crooked grin that I sometimes have. I know Kyle likes it. He looks back at me with an equally happy expression.

"I wished that we could be together like this forever..." I tell him. I can see a faint blush start to appear on his cheeks. How adorable. But why is he blushing though? "What did you wish for Kyle?"

"I wished... I wished that... That I could finally tell you what I should've told you long ago... that night..." He tells me in a weak and nervous voice.

"Kyle... It's okay, you've already told me many things tonight. But whatever you say it's still alright... I'll always listen, no matter what." I try to convince him. Kyle smiles.

"I know Kenny... But it's still hard to say it... It just won't come out I guess... You pushed me away before, so I'm scared that you'll do it again if I tell you this." He explains. That makes me feel terrible. I think I lost his trust, after what I did.

"Kyle. You can't say it because you're doubting yourself. Don't do that... Just tell it to me straight out... I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I tell him. I'm really curious by now. What is it that he needs to tell me now? I thought he got done with telling me stuff earlier? Apparently not... Kyle looks at me with a determined expression for a moment and takes a deep breath. Then he goes back to being nervous and shaky. But he decides to talk anyway and opens his mouth.

"Kenny I... I..." He stutters. "I... I love you..." Suddenly my entire world stops. What? What did he just say? What? It can't be? Can it? It takes a moment for me to register what he actually said but when I do I'm certainly crying again. I can see tears escape Kyle's eyes too. It would've hurt seeing Kyle cry but... I know that they're happy tears. Kyle isn't sad. I'm not sad either. I'm overjoyed.

* * *

Kyle loves me, and that realization is the best feeling in the entire universe. I swear to god, there's no way anyone is as happy as I am right now. Kyle looks at me somewhat expectantly, but with a bit of worry on his face, and I realize that I've just been staring at him and crying for a while.

He was afraid of rejection? Damn it... I really messed things up. If I had just known earlier how he felt then I wouldn't have hurt him. I wouldn't have. Too late for that now though.

I move forward and our lips connect. My lips move against his carefully and it's absolute bliss. Kyle kisses me back and this is perfect. I'm kissing Kyle Broflovski under the stars and nothing else in the world matters. I thought that kiss months ago in his bedroom was amazing but that was nothing compared to this. His sweet lips are pressed against mine in such a loving manner, and they're not just needy like they were at that time. Kyle's hands move and cup my cheeks as we kiss. My arms snake around his body and I embrace him tightly.

Kyle's mouth opens a little, giving me more access to his sweet, pure mouth. I secretly wonder how many people Kyle has kissed before. I come to the conclusion that all those people could probably be counted on one hand.

Kyle is a really good kisser though. He lets me take most of the control and it's just amazing. My tongue explores his mouth and it feels like I'm in heaven. Or wait no. I've been to heaven before and that's literally nothing compared to this. I never thought, I never thought I'd end up here. With the beautiful Kyle Broflovski pressed so close to me like this, making out like there's no tomorrow. Just mere minutes ago I almost thought that we'd just end up as friends. But now I know, that we can't go back to being that. We can never go back. There's more, so much more in between us now. Finally. Finally I can call Kyle Broflovski mine.

* * *

We both cry as we continue to kiss. It all feels messy and my head spins. But it's the best kiss I've ever gotten. When the need for air becomes too strong for the both of us we pull apart, our lips disconnecting, with a trail of saliva left behind. Our foreheads are pressed together and we are both desperately gasping for air.

"I love you too Kyle..." I tell him with a smile on my face. He smiles back and pecks my lips, before going back to trying to catch his breath. It feels like this isn't even real, this feels like a dream, a perfect dream, until I realize something... For a while I totally forgot that I'm a guy, and I have certain needs and feeling I can't help... My pants feel way too tight and I'm kinda hot... It's really embarrassing... For once this kind of thing is embarrassing to me... Because it's Kyle. The one person that is the most important to me in the entire world. It feels so strange to be embarrassed.

Kyle finally seems to notice that something is poking him. I don't know how he didn't realize it earlier, considering how closely pressed together we are. Kyle blushes a dark shade of red and looks away... He must be feeling really awkward. I move away a little, so I stop poking him with my boner, while still keeping my arms around him though.

* * *

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, feeling a bit ashamed of the fact that I couldn't control myself. First time I've felt ashamed of it too... Huh... Seems like a lot of new things are happening tonight.

"It's alright..." Kyle says quietly. "I just wasn't prepared for that..."

"Yeah... Hehe..." I chuckle a little awkwardly before I continue to talk. "At least you don't have to worry about accidentally ruining moments because of you know..."

"I wish I could..." Kyle tells me, his voice barely above a whisper. Fuck. I shouldn't have said that, I must've upset him. "Kenny, we aren't the same you know..."

"Yeah..." I simply say, not really sure what to tell him.

"I'm a guy stuck in a girls body... My circumstances are different from most other people's..." He explains, and I nod silently. "Which means I'm sometimes more limited in what I feel comfortable with... Especially in sexual situations..." The last part is barely a whisper, yet I catch every single word he says. Upon Kyle's cheeks is a bright red blush and he looks really embarrassed.

"You need to know that." He continues. "Before we decide to do anything more I need you to know, that it might be a little more difficult than what you're used to. It's not always gonna be easy for either of us really..." Kyle tells me all of this in a sad tone, and it hurts to see him like this, so insecure and unhappy with himself.

"Kyle... It doesn't matter..." I tell him as I pat his head. "I'm well aware of your situation and I'm okay with it. I've always been. I'll do my best to not make you uncomfortable... I promise." Kyle smiles at me, and he's crying again. I carefully lean forward and lick one of the salty droplets off his face before I continue.

"I know that we aren't the same but... There aren't two people in the entire world that are the same. We are all different people... You may be more different than some people, and a bit more limited in some aspects Kyle... But you're still the one I fell head over heels in love with all these years ago. It doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that I love you, I love you so much, and you're the only one I want to be with." Kyle buries his head in my shoulder and starts to sob loudly. Neither of us utters a word for a long while.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

Kenny is telling me all of these things... He accepts me just like this. I'm not sure how to feel, but I'm so happy. I'm glad that Kenny is so kind and open minded about my situation. Even Stan had some troubles adapting to it at first...

It takes long before either of us speaks again. I just cry on his shoulder desperately. I'm accepted, I'm loved. Maybe that's why I stayed with Stan for so long, because he loved and accepted me. Because I thought there was no one else who could. So I stayed for so long, even when it started to spiral downwards. But now I know that I only loved Stan like that because Stan loved me too. I still love Stan, but in a different way. He's my best friend, and we are alright like this. He has Wendy now anyway. They declared themself a couple the day after Craig's party.

But this is different than with Stan. I love Kenny because Kenny is Kenny. I love how he is always there for me. I love how he always listens to me when I need him to. I love his acceptance and his support. I love his kindhearted nature. I love how I know that I can trust him more than anyone. I love how strong he is as a person. I love his silly jokes and all the strange things he says. I love how he understands me so well. I love how he makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I love the way Kenny looks at the world itself. I love his laugh, I love his smile, I love his cute crooked teeth, I love his shining blue ocean blue eyes that are so full of life. I love his dirty, blond, messy hair. I love his body. Even though that last one is embarrassing to admit... I love everything that is Kenny McCormick.

* * *

After a long while, I've calmed down and stopped crying. I break the silence.

"It's really nice like this Kenny... Hearing you talk about your feelings for once... I've always been the one doing most of the talking..." I say happily as I snuggle closer to him. Kenny's arms around me tighten somewhat and he holds me protectively. I'm pressed so very close to him again. My head is resting on his chest, and I can hear his heart beating. It's beating pretty fast now. I secretly wonder if it's cause he's excited, or maybe nervous even...

"If you like it so much then I can tell you everything... I can tell you all of my feelings. My entire story, Kyle. I don't need to keep it bottled up inside anymore... I don't need to keep it from you." He tells me. I place my hand on Kenny's cheek and I caress it softly. I smile at him.

"Please tell me Kenny... I want to know everything. Everything that has made you who you are..." I say. Kenny smiles back at me.

"Alright then... It all started a little over 18 years ago... When I kinda decided to get the fuck out of my mom's smelly, old vagina..." Kenny tells me while grinning stupidly.

"Ew... Kenny that's gross! Leave out that part at least..." I tell him and I pout a little. "Seriously Kenny... You're such a weirdo..."

"Alright... Alright... I'm just joking around!" He tells me and then we both chuckle a little. "Remember Kyle, every word I'll tell you is the truth. Please don't think that I'm just making stuff up or that I'm insane... Promise me that you'll believe me." He practically begs me.

"I promise Kenny. I really do." I tell him truthfully.

* * *

Kenny then starts to tell me his story. As it goes on I start to understand, and I believe him. All those times when we were kids, no one ever believed him. Kenny has died so many times, that's why he has disappeared so often. No one ever believed him. But it was the truth. It was always the truth. Kenny has a special power. It is sad to hear all that he says about it. But it's still a somewhat good thing, cause I'll be a bit more at ease, knowing that Kenny will always come back.

As Kenny's story progresses it gets sadder, and I start to cry, somewhere around halfway through it. When the story comes as far as to just a few months ago, when he tells me about that night in the rain, it hurts so much to hear. It's almost like I'm reliving it all again and my heart feels like it's getting ripped apart in two. Kenny tells me about every single feeling and it's so real. Kenny has been in so much pain, for so long. I listen carefully to every word Kenny utters, and when he starts talking about tonight the story becomes happier. It becomes a story of how all his struggles weren't in vain. A story about self worth and love. In the end it's a beautiful story. The life of Kenny McCormick has been filled with lots of sadness and hardships, but it's turning now. I promise. I promise that I'll do my best to make it stay the way that is right now. Happy.

When Kenny has finally told me everything and stops speaking it's almost dawn. He lets out a deep sigh and he kisses my forehead lovingly. I don't say a word about his story, and there's no need for me to. All he needs is that I understand what he has been through, and there isn't much need to discuss it any further. What happened is the past. Today is a new day, and it'll be a good one.

I'm so happy right now, right here. I don't think I've ever felt that I've belonged somewhere, as much as I do right now, right here, in Kenny McCormick's arms.


	19. Come with Me

Kenny's POV:

I told Kyle everything about myself. All those things and experiences that barely anyone knows about. It felt nice, being able to share it with someone else, someone special. Kyle listened carefully all this time and I know he heard every word I said. He seems to appreciate that I told him, and I'm happy. He finally believed me as well. He finally believed in the truth, the crazy truth which is that I can't die properly. I've never been this happy before. Kyle is my everything.

We lay there in silence for a while after I've finished speaking, and it's nice. I don't have to explain anything further, because he understands. And he knows, that I don't need him to tell me what he feels about it, so he doesn't.

The sun has started to rise when Kyle starts to speak again.

"What are you gonna do now?" He asks, and I don't know how to respond. What can I possibly do? I've never had a real job before in my entire life, and I probably won't be able to keep one either, considering that I "disappear" a lot. I have no possible way of making money and I'm basically screwed. My parents and I will probably get kicked out of the house and I'll have nowhere to go.

"I... I don't know... I have no idea... What are you gonna do now? What do you want to do in the future?" I ask him. I'm so very curious of his answer. He never seemed to know what he wanted to do before, but I have a feeling that Kyle has sorted things out now. Kyle smiles at me, and hugs me close before he tells me.

"I don't want to be a lawyer, like my parents want me to. I want to become a psychologist. I want to be able to talk to people, and help them with their problems... I want to do good." Kyle explains. I feel happy for him yet I can feel my heart sink in my chest a little.

"Psychology... There isn't anywhere to study that in South Park... Does that mean that you're planning on leaving this town then?" I ask sadly. What if... What if Kyle is gonna go and leave me behind...?! No. This can't be happening. I can't lose him now, when I've finally got him! He told me he wouldn't leave me... He said that he would be by my side. Liar.

* * *

"That's true... I'll be leaving South Park to go study... I think it's a good choice... There's so many bad memories in this town right now..." Kyle says. It feels like my heart is ripping apart completely. Kyle is leaving me. When Kyle has finally become mine he is going to walk away from me. I let go of him. I unwrap my arms from around him and I abruptly sit up. Kyle lays there, left on the ground and stares at me sadly for a moment, before he too sits up. I feel so hurt, maybe even like I've been used, and I feel like I'm about to start crying again. But I hide it as best as I can and I simply ask him a question.

"Have you decided on a school yet then?" He nods slowly before he speaks. He sits there right in front of me and the look on his face tells me that he feels cold, that he wants to be in my embrace again, but I just can't. If Kyle is leaving then there's no point in being close... That'll only tear me apart even more.

"The school is in Denver..." He tells me quietly. "If I'm lucky I'll be able to start studying there in a few months..."

"Karen lives in Denver..." I state somewhat monotonously, but my shaky voice is still barely above a whisper.

"Wanna go?" Kyle asks me. "You'll be able to visit her whenever you want..."

"What?" I question. What does he mean? My head is spinning and I don't understand what's going on, what he's saying, but all I know is that Kyle is leaving and it hurts.

* * *

"Kenny... Please go with me to Denver... It's scary to go alone. I love you, and I don't want to lose you." Kyle practically begs me, and tears spill from my eyes. I lean forward and rest my head on his shoulder. A hand reaches out and pats my back gently.

"I... I thought... I thought you were gonna leave me behind... Kyle..." I stutter out and he just keeps patting my back.

"Of course I wouldn't Kenny... I told you that I'll stay by your side. I don't wanna go anywhere without you... I don't want to sound selfish but please leave everything behind and go there with me... It'll be good for the both of us... To get away from all the bad memories..." Kyle says all this in such a kind, encouraging voice, and I really want to go. I really do, but...

"Kyle..." I tell him as I sit back upright and look into his beautiful emerald eyes. "I don't have enough money to travel to Denver... I barely have enough money to even eat tomorrow..."

"Kenny... Don't worry about the money... I'll pay for all the traveling, and then we will figure out a way for you to make money on your own later..." He tells me and it's so convincing. But I shake my head.

"I don't want you to waste all that money on me Kyle... It's expensive..." I simply tell him.

" If you feel so bad about it, then you'll just have to pay me back later when you do have money..." Kyle says with a smile. I actually agree to that and then we just sit there together silently for a moment. Silence is comfortable in Kyle's presence. The sun is halfway up in the sky now and it's already early morning. I was right, it did turn out to be a good night.

Looks like I'm going to Denver with Kyle. It's hard to believe. I'll leave the pain behind me. I'll leave it here when I go, and I'll find a way to move forward. With Kyle by my side I can do anything. I just know that it'll be alright in the end.

* * *

"Kenny... It's cold... Could we go inside?" I'm a little taken aback by Kyle, cause he says it in such a seductive voice and it's the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard... Does Kyle really want to...?

I simply nod, and I stand up. Then I reach my hand out towards Kyle. He takes it in his and I pull him up to his feet. We walk inside my house together, with smiles on our faces, not bothering to let go of each others hands. The house is empty, except for the two of us. My parents still haven't gotten home. I would be worried but... I know how they are. They'll show up sooner or later. Hopefully later.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

We walk inside the house hand in hand and Kenny leads me to his bedroom. I smile a little to myself... He knows what I want to do. It was a pretty easy decision actually. Kenny will accept me just like this so it's alright. I'll be able to set the boundaries that I need and Kenny will listen to me. I just know it.

We end up sitting in Kenny's bed next to each other. For a moment neither of us does anything, but then Kenny moves closer, and our lips connect. Kenny is a great kisser... He's gotten a lot of practice I guess... The kiss starts off slow and gentle, but I soon open my mouth a little wider, indicating that I want more. So Kenny's tongue slips into my mouth and I can taste him so well, this sweet taste of Kenny's mouth. It almost feels intoxicating, and I start to feel a little hot. I feel myself blushing a little as Kenny's hand slides in under my shirt and rests on my waist. I've never done these kinds of things with anyone except Stan before so I feel a bit nervous. It's kinda silly... There's no need to be nervous, cause Kenny knows what he's doing. He's Kenny McCormick, he could probably do this in his sleep.

Our eyes lock for a moment, during the kiss. He smiles against my lips for a moment and mumbles a single word.

"Cute..."

It makes me blush a little harder, and it's kinda frustrating to be called cute like that. It's not bad to be cute but... I'm not like "grown man cute"... I'd like to be that... I'm more like, "little boy cute" or something... And it's annoying sometimes. That probably doesn't make much sense though... But Kenny seems to like the fact that I'm cute so it's alright I guess.

* * *

I kiss Kenny a little harder and he lets my tongue explore his mouth a bit now. It's a little embarrassing and intimidating, knowing that I'm no way near as good of a kisser as he is. It's a little sloppy and awkward but Kenny doesn't seem to mind. He ends up pushing our bodies closer to each other, and soon he moves and sits in my lap as we continue to kiss. It's a little strange that he chose to sit in my lap, instead of making me sit in his, which would probably be a little easier... But I like it this way. It's perfect. I can feel that Kenny is starting to poke me a little again, and it's embarrassing. But I forget all about my embarrassment soon as Kenny's hands start to roam my body and our kiss becomes more passionate.

My head is spinning and I'm almost in a daze. Kenny's touch feels so good and it is almost making me crazy. I don't think I've ever wanted someone as much as I want Kenny right now.

Kenny pulls back for air and I miss his lips on mine already. We are both compleely out of breath though so it was necessary. He gasps a little for air and smiles at me gently.

"Kyle... I need to know this before we continue... You said you were more limited than others... What can't I do?" Kenny asks me with a concerned voice. I smile back at him and our eyes meet. Kenny's eyes look a little different, they're somewhat darker than usual, and filled with an emotion I'm not so familiar with seeing on Kenny's face. Lust. This is it. No turning back now. I think for a second. What can't Kenny do? My mind is blank. I actually can't come up with a real answer so I just shrug at his question.

"I'll tell you if there is something I don't like..." I simply explain to him and then I cup his cheeks, leaning in for another kiss.


	20. Intimacy

Kenny's POV:

"I'll tell you if there's something I don't like..." Kyle says and cups my cheeks gently. He then leans forward to kiss me again.

Alright then Kyle. I'll make you feel really good. I don't think I've ever been this excited or happy about having sex. Before I usually just let people do what they wanted with me and then assumed they felt good about that. I never really cared about what I got out of it, except for the brief reality escape. But with Kyle it's different. Because I cherish him. More than anything in this world. I want this moment to feel intimate for us. Kyle just gets a special treatment I guess...

We continue to kiss for a short while before I pull back a little. I can see a trail of saliva that runs down from Kyle's bottom lip to his chin. He looks so perfect, in his flushed state, while panting in order to get air. And he's obviously really turned on. Kyle stares at me questioningly when I pull away from the kiss. I quickly reach for his wrists, and I grab them softly. I pull them over his head and then I push him down onto the bed so he lays on his back with me on top pf him. I grin at him for a moment before I lean down and peck his lips softly once.

I feel his arms wrap around my back and he pulls me down a little, pushing our bodies close together. My boner is poking him now for sure. We make eye contact and something strange happens. The look Kyle gives me is so sexy. It's just amazing how he looks at me. He really wants me. The so beautiful, perfect, innocent looking Kyle Broflovski REALLY wants to fuck me... I'm absolutely ecstatic. I lean down and my lips touch his neck. I suck and nibble at it softly, deciding against giving him hickeys, even though I want to, since I know he'd be extremely uncomfortable with them later on. One of my hands is still resting on his waist, and the other one pulls his shirt up and then roams over the exposed skin for a moment.

Kyle moves his arms again and they're now wrapped around my neck in a tight grip. I remove my face from his neck and now our lips connect again. Kyle then decides to be a bit more daring and he rocks his hips a little, almost making me moan into the kiss from the friction caused in my lower regions. A grin appears on his face for a second as we kiss and then he does it again. This time I do moan a little. It's strangely embarrassing. Because it's with Kyle.

* * *

I pull back completely and just look at him for a moment. Kyle is laying there, so flushed and hot, with a smile on his red face. His forehead has started to become a little sticky with sweat and his messy hair is all over the place. His shirt is pulled up almost completely and his entire chest is visible. I get a better look at his exposed body. His waist is slim, and his stomach is completely flat and soft, but I can still tell that there is a little bit of muscles there, just a little. Kyle looks relatively thin, but not too thin. He is just right. His chest is almost flat, like my own, but there is a slight curve to the area, and also a slight perkiness to it. It's a little strange, like it belongs to a young girl who is just about to start growing boobs. But that doesn't matter. This is Kyle, the person I love the most in the entire world, and everything about him is absolutely perfect. He is sexy as fuck right now too...

This moment is perfect. I take in the sight of Kyle like this. It's the most amazing feeling ever, knowing that this person is mine, and that I'm his. This is the first time something like this has ever felt like it meant something, and for a moment I regret ever doing this with anyone else. Everything I feel is pure love for this person, and that is all that matters right now.

Kyle is looking at me weirdly and I realize that I've been just sitting there and staring at him for a little too long. I pull off both my jacket and shirt in one swift motion and I throw them somewhere, discarding them on the floor. My own upper body is now exposed. Kyle sits up and completely removes his own shirt too.

* * *

Kyle's POV:

I look at Kenny's newly exposed body. He's skinny, almost sickly skinny... Note to self, feed him lots of food later... But he is still toned in just the right places. He has a few bruises and scrapes here and there and some thin white scars in places, but I don't question any of them, cause I know why they're there, and how he got them. And in fact because they're on Kenny, they're beautiful. So beautiful.

Kenny smiles at me and closes the distance between us. Our chests are pressed closely together again, and this time it's skin to skin contact, and it's feels nice, so nice. I can feel his heart that is beating really fast, like my own. Kenny's lips are back on my neck as he reassumes what he was doing earlier. He licks, sucks and nibbles on the area. One of his hands is back on my waist, caressing it. The other one starts off resting at my abdomen, but then slowly reaches a little lower. It reaches the edge of my pants. The hand slowly and carefully goes in underneath them, still above my underwear. His hand rubs the area and it feels so good. I'm pretty wet there already which is really embarrassing but I don't care anymore. It feels too good so I can't be bothered with that kind of feelings at all. I bite my lip in order to not moan loudly. I hate my moans, I always hold them in as best as I can since I sound way too girly when I do end up moaning.

* * *

It'd be easy to tell that he's done this very many times before, even if I didn't know. His movements are confident and in perfect timing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

My arms are back around him. I dig my fingernails into the skin carefully and they claw at his back somewhat. What Kenny is doing to me feels so good and I almost start to feel guilty, since I'm not doing much at all for Kenny. His hand continues to rub and it stimulates the area a lot. It feels so good, but going a bit further with Kenny would still be way better.

"Kenny..." I whisper into his ear in the most seductive voice I can. "Shall we take it a step further now?" Kenny's lips leave my neck and his face comes up and he just look at me. I smile at him seductively, and in return he gives me a sexy grin.

"Anything for you..." He tells me gently. I then suddenly think about something.

"Ehm... Do you have a... Uhm... Condom?" I ask him, and I swear to god it's the most awkward thing I've ever had to ask anyone. Kenny gives me a look that just says "Really...? Are you serious?" And suddenly I assume he doesn't have one and I get this terrifying feeling, that we would have to stop. His hand in my pants stops moving and I'm absolutely horrified. No.

"Kyle... I've been doing this kind of stuff for a long time now... Do you really think I wouldn't have condoms?" He says and I suddenly feel really dumb. Really really dumb. Of course he has condoms.

Kenny's hand reaches for the nightstand and opens a small drawer, grabbing something out of it. He waves the little plastic packaging in front of my face teasingly. A condom. My hand reaches out and I grab it from him.

A grin suddenly appears on his face. He seems to have something particular in mind.

* * *

"You seem eager enough..." Kenny says teasingly and his hand in my pants starts to move again, faster this time. "How about you put it on for me then?"

"Fine... I can do that..." I say, trying not to moan as I speak. Kenny's hand then leaves my pants and I whimper slightly at the loss of the stimulation. Kenny's hand moves and starts to unbutton and unzip my jeans. He then moves off me for a moment and I pull off my pants quickly. They end up being discarded and thrown away to the other end of the room. I'm now only wearing my pair of black boxers. Kenny then lays back on top of me with a smile.

"Top or bottom?" He asks me quietly, almost as if he's somewhat embarrassed... But that is impossible, Kenny McCormick can't be embarrassed during sex, there's no way in hell.

"I guess I would prefer to be... uhm... On top of you..." I answer awkwardly. Kenny just smiles and then flips us over, so that I'm laying on top of him. He then moves me a little to the side and he quickly unzips his pants and pull them down, his underwear going down with them. I glance at that area for a moment and feel a little embarrassed again. I note that he is bigger than Stan. Kenny is now completely naked and he lays there grinning at me and my awkward state.

"Ready whenever you are..." He tells me teasingly and sits up a little, connecting our lips for a brief moment before he lays back down.

"Okay..." I say a little shakily. I feel nervous and Kenny probably notices. I open the little plastic wrapping and I take the condom out. I take a deep breath, and then while looking straight into Kenny's blue eyes, I roll the condom onto him easily. His eyebrows raise slightly, almost as if he's impressed. I roll my eyes at that.

"I can actually do stuff... Not a virgin you know..." I tell him and I feel a bit more confident. My hand doesn't leave the area after the condom is in place. I move my hand up and down the shaft for a while, and Kenny's face seems to get a little more flushed. I smile at him. Kenny is really cute right now... And pretty sexy as well...

I then reach down and grab my own underwear, awkwardly removing them. I can see Kenny looking at me as I do so, and I just silently continue moving my shaky hand up and down, fastening the pace. I earn a small moan from his lips, and it sounds so sweet, like music to my ears. My underwear are tossed aside and now we are both completely naked. I move on top of him and position him at my entrance. Our eyes meet and we both smile at each other for a moment.

Suddenly I feel fine with myself. Even though I'm not what I really want to be, I'm still okay. This is me, and I can't change that. Even though I'm transgender, even though I don't have the right parts, I'm okay with it. Kenny doesn't mind either so it's alright. It's fine. I think I can deal with this.

* * *

"I love you..." Kenny tells me gently and I know how much he means it.

"I love you too..." I answer before I start to move downwards, pushing him inside. Kenny then says something unexpected.

"Person number 100, time number 987..." He tells me silently. I stare at him for a moment.

"Seriously Kenny?" I ask him, and he just nods. "Person number 2, time number unknown... Pretty sure it's less than 987 though." I then tell him. He just smiles.

"Well... I don't think there is any point in counting anymore." Kenny says. "Cause I only want to be with you now."

He smiles, and he looks so happy. He's all inside of me now and I start to move. I start at a slow pace, and Kenny's hips soon start to move in sync with mine. The pace fastens soon and he starts to slam into me harder. It feels amazing, and at some point my vision gets all weird and it's like I'm seeing stars. We continue like this, feeling more pleasure than ever, until neither of us can take it anymore, and we both desperately need release. We come at about the same time and I'm exhausted, so I collapse onto him with my head buried in his neck. We are both sweaty and completely out of breath.

* * *

This was the best sex I've ever had to be honest. Strangely enough, it's probably the most intimate sex I've ever had too. After we've both recovered somewhat, I shakily sit up again and get off, pulling him out of me. I whimper slightly and then I fall down onto the bed right next to Kenny.

The condom gets disposed off and then we just lay there side by side. Kenny's hand grabs mine and we stay like that for a moment. I pull the bedsheets up over us. Kenny then pulls me closer to him, and we lay there embracing each other.

I love Kenny more than anything in the universe, and laying here next to him is probably the best thing in the world. I feel like we could do anything that we set our minds on together. And we probably can. I lay there staring at the ceiling when a strange idea suddenly hits me.

* * *

"You know what you should do?" Kenny shakes his head. "Write a book..." I tell him and he looks at me weirdly. It's cute when he does that. But Kenny is always cute, so no surprise there...

"Me? Write a book? About what?" He questions with an extremely confused look on his face.

"Anything really... Maybe your own life?" I answer.

"Why?" He asks me. I smile at him and I poke his nose a little before I talk.

"Many successful authors lives have been fucked up at some point or another... I think that the people who have been through a lot of pain are usually those who write the most emotional stories..." I explain to him. Kenny smiles at me and our eyes meet. His hand caresses my cheek softly.

"Do you really think I can do it?" He asks, and I nod. "But my grammar and spelling isn't always that great so I might need some help..."

"Of course I'll help you..." I answer and then I bury my head in his shoulder. "If you had paid more attention in school you wouldn't need my help though..."

"Can't go back in time Kyle... But I guess I can try writing a story if you want me to..." He states and ruffles my hair gently.

"I love you." I whisper to him, suddenly feeling really tired.

"I love you too, more than anything..." He whispers back.

* * *

We then fall asleep in each others arms, completely drained of all the energy we had only moments ago. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep this late... Or should I say early? It's already morning and the bright sun has started to shine in through the window after all.

I've never before felt as wonderful while falling asleep, as I do now, completely exposed, in Kenny's soft embrace. It's amazing, and sleep has actually never felt this nice and relaxing before.


	21. Continuing

Kenny's POV:

It's been almost a month, since that night, when Kyle became mine for real. My life couldn't be better really. I'm not a prostitute anymore. I'm actually almost completely broke because of that... But Kyle is practically shoving food down my throat just so I won't go back to that job. So stupid of him. I'd never go back. Not when he's finally mine. I can't cheat on him like that. Never.

I do my best and try to make some cash in other ways at least. I end up helping people out and doing small tasks just to get some pocket money. It's usually things like washing dishes or cleaning houses. It's also happened that I've ended up picking up garbage from the streets, and once I even got asked to babysit a kid... That some random citizen of South Park trusted me, an ex prostitute and a McCormick, to take care of their kid for a night made me really surprised, and honored even. The child's mother was very happy with the way I had treated her little son and she told me that might hire me again. But I have a feeling that won't happen.

Kyle managed to get into the school he wanted to go to, and we are moving to Denver together in two weeks. We found ourselves an old, little, cheap apartment in the center of the city, relatively close to Kyle's new school. I'm a little worried about how he'll react to it to be honest... I mean, I'm used to living in a crappy house that's basically falling apart so I'll be fine with whatever the apartment is like, but Kyle... Kyle has lived his whole life in a nice house with a family that has had plenty of money. I wonder how he'll react to our new life in Denver...

The first thing I'll do when I come to Denver is visit Karen. She doesn't know that I'll be moving there yet, and she doesn't know that I have gotten myself such an amazing boyfriend either. I'll surprise her with it. She'll be happy, that I too have gotten a better life, and that it's not only her that is doing good. I can't wait to see her, my precious baby sister.

Heck, I don't know how I'll react either. My living conditions will be way better than they've been in this shithole of a town. I can't wait to go. It's not like I hate South Park, I just hate many of the memories I have from here... South Park has always been a strange town filled with unfortunate events, for as long as I can remember.

* * *

I've actually started writing a story, like Kyle suggested... It's easier than I thought, and it's actually really fun. As soon as I started writing it I couldn't stop. It's the story of myself that I'm writing. With how far into it I've written, it feels like a sad story, but it'll be happier later on. I promise. I haven't even gotten to write about that night in the rain, that changed everything, yet. I know that there is probably no way in hell that it'll ever get published or anything, but it still means a lot to me. I'm trying to do something good, something productive, that doesn't damage myself. So at least it's a step in the right direction. It makes me feel more hopeful for the future.

* * *

"Kenny!" I hear a soft voice yell happily. I turn my head around, from the park bench where I sit silently, and I smile at the strange, excited boy running down the street towards me. His curly red hair is blowing in the wind, and it's partially hanging down over his face, obscuring his vision somewhat. His emerald eyes are sparkling and filled with excitement.

Kyle catches up to me and I simply stand up, and we start walking together. Our eyes meet and we both smile. As we walk our hands reach out to each others and our fingers intertwine. I love this person, with all my heart, after all. In the same silly way that I did over 9 years ago. Kyle is still just as beautiful, and I'm still just the poor loser kid that I've always been. I still doubt that I deserve Kyle's love sometimes. But that doesn't matter, cause we are both happy, and with Kyle by my side I can do anything. I can be anything. Kyle is always there to encourage me. Whether I deserve it or not.

I lean a little closer towards Kyle and I stand on my tiptoes so I can kiss him on the cheek gently. He smiles at me happily.

* * *

Ever since we got together that night, we've been completely open about it to others. There was never any point in hiding it. I know that I'll be with Kyle for a very long time, maybe even forever, so it's alright if everyone knows about it. About us. About how Kyle Broflovski changed Kenny McCormick's life completely. About how Kyle saved me.

Everyone took it really well. Stan was especially happy for us. He almost cried when Kyle and I told him. Even Craig was happy. I got a hug and a thumbs up from him. But the biggest surprise of all was that Kyle's parents were okay with it. They weren't particularly happy about Kyle's life choices at first, when he told them that he had decided to become a psychologist and that he was in a relationship with me. But the thought grew on them I guess. Even though they originally wanted Kyle to be with Stan, and for him to become a lawyer. I guess they must've noticed how much happier Kyle has become now. It's a wonderful feeling, knowing that I'm not the only one whose life has become better with this relationship.

* * *

Kyle and I continue to walk and we soon arrive at our destination. Wendy's house. We knock on the door, our hands still intertwined, and Stan opens it with a wide, happy grin on his face. I should probably have said Wendy and Stan's house, and not just Wendy's house. Stan has been staying here basically all the time since they hooked up at Craig Tucker's "Welcome Home" party, though he didn't officially move all his stuff here until about a week ago. Stan has also gotten himself a part time job, helping his dad Randy out as a geologist.

We found out why Wendy came back from studying abroad as well. She apparently came to realize that she didn't want to become someone famous or special like that. Wendy moved back to South Park again, simply because she missed her home, this little mountain town. She decided to study to become a nurse since she wants be able to help people. I'm sure she'll be a great nurse in the end. So that's what Wendy's up to.

And Craig? Well... Some people never change... He still smokes like there's no tomorrow and he fucks around like usual. He drinks a lot and I know he's done some drugs here and there lately. But he knows what he's doing so it's okay... Craig has stuff under control... And I actually have a feeling that he's got his eyes on someone... I don't really know who it is, but I just get the feeling that he's interested in someone...

I'll miss these people, a lot, when I leave South Park. But I guess they give me a reason to come back and visit sometime.

And well... What about Cartman then? I wonder what he's up to... I actually heard from Craig that he saw him around once when he was out of town. Turns out that Cartman is actually studying to become a cop. Who would've thought? Well... When you think about it, Cartman would be a pretty stereotypical cop. A fatass eating lots of donuts... I guess his career choice is understandable, as a kid he really liked to tell people to "respect his authority" after all. I wonder if I'll be able to see him again... Even though he was a huge asshole he was still my friend once upon a time...

* * *

Kyle and I greet Stan and he lets us into the house. We walk into the living room/bedroom of their cramped, little home, and Wendy is already in there, setting things up for tonight. We decided to have a movie marathon together tonight, all four of us.

Wendy has set up a big pile with different movies to choose from and on the table there's several bowls filled with a big variety of different candies and snacks and there's several bottles of soda too. If I know myself right I will eat and drink a lot of that... I actually have a pretty big sweet tooth, but it's not like I can afford buying my own candy very often... I'd feel bad about eating too much of this but I know that they don't mind. Wendy is really sweet, and Stan knows about my situation so it's alright.

When Wendy sees us she smiles, before she comes up and hugs me and Kyle happily. She then walks up to Stan who's standing right behind us and she gives him a peck on the lips. Seeing Wendy do that makes me want to kiss Kyle like that too. So I do. Wendy and I then exchange looks and we both smile.

The four of us end up having a great night. We watch as many movies as we can, from many different genres, though most of the movies seem to have some sort of romance in them. Stan ends up sitting in the bed with Wendy snuggling close to him while she's sitting comfortably in his lap. They look beautiful together. They really do.

I sit right beside Kyle, on the floor in front of Stan and Wendy. Our thighs are pressed together closely next to each other, and Kyle has an arm wrapped around my shoulder. I hope Kyle and I look beautiful together too, in the same way that Stan and Wendy do.

Tonight was a great night and we all had lots of fun.

It's weird how it all turned out so well. Not so long ago everything was such a mess. I never imagined we'd end up like this. But I'm really glad we did. Life has never been better than this.

* * *

Stan's POV:

Kyle and Kenny leave at around 2.30 in the morning. They both tiredly wobble out of the house, and if I know them right they'll end up sleeping in Kyle's bed together tonight. I doubt Kenny has the energy to walk home himself after dropping Kyle off.

It was an awesome night. I'm glad I can spend times like this with my friends and my beautiful Wendy. I know that Kenny and Kyle will be gone soon, and I'll miss them lots. But I'll be alright.

"Stan..." Wendy says, as she sneaks up from behind me and hugs me, while I'm busy trying to clean up the room a bit. "I love you." She tells me in such a sweet voice and if heaven was a sound I swear that'd be it.

"I love you too Wendy." I say and spin around to kiss her softly. When our lips disconnect she smiles at me gently.

"It's late... We should get to bed... Let's clean up tomorrow instead." She suggests, her eyes looking a bit dazed because of how tired she is. Wendy isn't much of a night owl really, I'm surprised she's been able to stay up for this long. I smile at her and I nod, even though I'm not very tired.

* * *

Wendy lays here next to me, curled up and sound asleep, but I am still wide awake, staring up at the white ceiling.

I lay here and I just think. I think about Wendy, I think about Kenny, I think about Kyle. I think about everything that has happened lately. It's strange. It feels like yesterday, that I stood there in the rain, and cried my eyes out, while kissing Kyle passionately. Yet it feels like it was so long ago. It's so far away. I lay here with a smile on my face and I think of how it all turned out so perfectly. I got such a beautiful and amazing girlfriend, I managed to still keep Kyle in my life, I got Kenny back as a friend, I have a decent job, and I have a comfortable home, where the person I love waits for me every night after work.

I never thought, when I wandered along the streets in such a poor mental state that night, I never thought that Wendy Testaburger, the love of my life, would show up. But she appeared and before I knew it, she had changed everything.

My mind continues to wander and I think of many happy thoughts. Thoughts of how it all turned out right, and time flies away. When I next look at the clock on the wall it's almost 5 in the morning. That's when I actually start to feel tired. I wrap my arms around my precious little angel, Wendy, holding her softly in my loving embrace as I fall into a slumber.

* * *

I will probably wake up to Wendy yelling at me in the morning, cause I'll be too tired and exhausted to get up if she doesn't. But that doesn't matter right now. And it's okay, cause Wendy is really cute when she's mad, and she then makes the most adorable pouty faces. But after some cuddling and apologies her anger will be forgotten anyway and our day will continue happily.


	22. Our Home

Kyle's POV:

Two weeks later Kenny and I end up on a cramped buss with 4 suitcases and two backpacks, on our way to Denver. I feel a little bad, since I know that most of the things we're bringing are mine. Kenny's belongings fit into his backpack and half a suitcase... But Kenny convinced me that it's alright that I bring a lot of things. He told me that it'll make our apartment feel more like home.

My hands are shaking vigorously and one of them holds a tight grasp onto Kenny's during the entire ride. I sit there in the bus seat with my head on Kenny's shoulder and I'm scared out of my mind. I know that Kenny is a bit worried too, but he doesn't show that kind of things in public.

"We're leaving home..." I say silently, as I look out the window. The bus starts moving and I stare at the old wooden sign that says "South Park" as it's getting further and further away from me. I know that I'll come back here again in the future, many more times, but it still hurts to go. I glance at our sad looking friends that are waving us off, but it hurts too much and I can't bear to look at them, so I just go back to staring at the sign.

"I'm not really leaving my home Kyle..." Kenny tells me and pets my head. "My home is wherever you are... And soon that will be in Denver."

"You're right Kenny..." I answer with a smile. "We aren't leaving home at all... We are just going to our new home I guess..."

* * *

We sit in a comfortable silence and watch as South Park starts to get further and further away. Soon we can't see the little mountain town on the horizon anymore. It hurts to leave the town that I grew up in, but if I stayed it'd only hold me back. It'd hold us both back. Leaving South Park is a good thing. Especially for Kenny. It'll be such a good thing for him, to come to a new place, where no one knows about the McCormick's reputation, or his past. It'll be place where Kenny is free to be Kenny, without any judgment. I'm proud of Kenny, so proud. He turned everything around and pulled himself together and it makes me so happy. He says it's because of me, but I think that in reality it's just because he has set his mind to it. Kenny is such a strong person.

My parents cried when I was about to leave, and Ike did too. We all hugged and mom told me to be really careful, and I will be. She said she'll call me a lot while I'm gone and that it's sad to see her little Kyle grow up. But she also told me that she's proud of me, I don't think I've ever heard her say that about me before. She told me she's proud that I grew up to be such a good person, and that she's proud that I was able to make my own choices in life.

* * *

After I said goodbye to my family, I had to say goodbye to my friends too. They were waiting for me and Kenny at the bus stop to say goodbye. Wendy, Stan and Craig. I don't have many close friends but that's okay. These are enough. Even though Craig was probably more interested in saying goodbye to Kenny than to me, which is understandable. I still got a goodbye hug and a wink from him though, which is at least something. He then hugged Kenny too and ruffled his hair teasingly.

"Don't do anything stupid when you're gone Ken Ken... Call good old Craig anytime you want, dude... Always there to give you some advice..." He told him, and Kenny got pretty annoyed by the new nickname "Ken Ken". Still, I could tell that he really appreciated Craig's slightly odd way of saying goodbye. Craig then lit a cigarette and watched us with sad eyes as we left. Even though he wouldn't admit it, Craig cares a whole lot about Kenny. More than he cares about most people. They share a strange friendship that I don't really understand, but it's okay if I don't, cause they're happy the way they are.

Stan cried when we had to go of course. Stan can be a big crybaby sometimes after all. Wendy cried too. I have no idea how I didn't cry during all of these sad goodbyes.

We all hugged each other close and said that we'd call each other, and talk on Skype a lot so it wouldn't be like we're gone. It was reassuring and calming, but we all know it's not the same at all. I got a peck on the cheek from Wendy even, though Kenny almost looked jealous and made a cute little pouty face. That earned him a peck from Wendy too. Stan didn't say anything since he was too much of an emotional wreck to be jealous at that moment...

For a few seconds I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get on the bus and go to Denver, since Stan was clutching onto me and sobbing aggressively into my shoulder, and I had no way to get him off me. But when we had to go onto the bus he actually let go. He smiled at me and told me to have an awesome time. I will Stan, I promise.

* * *

Kenny's POV:

Leaving South Park feels rough. But it's still relaxing. I'll stop thinking about all the wrongs I've done in this town. I'll leave it behind. But I won't try to forget. All of this has made me who I am today, and I don't regret a thing, all I regret is that I haven't tried to put it behind me sooner. I'm proud of myself, of how far I've come, and I'm proud of Kyle too.

The way my parents reacted to me leaving was surprising. I thought they would want me to stay and keep paying their rent, but they let me go without any problems. When I asked why, my mom only told me "make yourself a future, son... Wherever that future may be..." with a smile on her lips.

I was later again surprised by the fact that my parents decided to see me off when I was about to go. What's more surprising is the fact that my mother was neither drunk or high at all. My dad was a bit drunk but it was still way better than usual.

My mother hugged me close to her and cried softly into my shoulder. I patted her head gently. She then pulled back and smiled at me.

"My little Kenny... You've grown up to so nicely sweetie... Your mother is so proud... I hope you'll have a wonderful time... And watch over little Karen for me would you?" My mother said so kindly. I nodded and told her that I'll take good care of my sister. My mom smiled at me again and she looked a little relieved, at least two of her children will be safe. But Kevin is probably fucked up beyond saving at this point...

* * *

I never had much respect for my mother before. But I think that has changed a little now. She just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. My mother is a kind person, maybe too kind. And maybe that is why my father ruined her.

My father just patted me on the shoulder and told me one thing before I left.

"Make me proud son..." He said in a slightly slurry voice, but I still smiled at him and nod, happy that I even got to say goodbye. I then left the house. I was going to pick up Kyle before taking the bus. I wonder what'll happen to my parents now. Who knows?

They may not be very good parents, and they haven't treated any of their children right, but now I know that they do care, and they do love me. And Karen and Kevin too. They're just not very good at showing it. I can't say that I'm proud of them, or that I'm particularly happy that I'm their son but... I still love them. They're my family and I'll always care for them.

My heart feels a little heavy and it's sad to leave this house, even though it's practically falling apart and it has so many bad memories associated with it. But it has some happy ones to. They're few and far between, but they're still happy. I'll choose to think about the good instead of the bad when I look at this house, cause the happy memories mean so much more than the bad ones now. This is where Kyle became mine after all. This is where my life turned around.

* * *

I sit next to Kyle on the bus in comfortable silence and just think about life for a while, before a thought crosses my mind and I start to wonder something...

"Hey Kyle..." I say carefully.

"Yeah?" He asks quietly.

"What was it that made you come visit me that night? What happened to you at that party?" I wonder out loud. I look over at Kyle. He looks away and doesn't really want to face me... But he still answers my questions.

"Well... I sort of... Got upset... So I ended up making out with Craig Tucker... But then I realized that I needed to talk to you... So I couldn't continue..." He says shakily. He seems like he's scared of my reaction.

"Oh I get it..." I say, but then I actually register what he says. "Wait... WHAT?! You... Made out with Craig?" I question. Kyle nods slowly.

"Yeah..." Is all that he says. I chuckle a bit, and Kyle turns to look at me weirdly. "What's so funny, Kenny?"

"You don't seem like the type that would fall for Craig Tucker's seduction is all... I tell him.

"I guess not... But I stopped in time at least..." He answers and then the silence is back. His eyes are a little watery, as if he is holding in the tears. I guess Kyle is scared of big changes, like now, when we're moving away... I never knew that before now... But his eyes look terrified, and he's shaking... So he must be scared.

* * *

The long bus ride soon ends and we step off the bus in the middle of Denver. Our eyes are wide and we look around carefully. This big city is so different from the little mountain town we came from. The air is different too. It's not as fresh as the air back in South Park, but it still feels familiar. This air reminds me a little of home actually, it smells a little polluted, somewhat similar to the McCormick's house. This smell is not bad really, it's alright. Maybe even a little nostalgic. I never thought about this when I was here last time...

Kyle and I wander around the city for a bit, laughing at how stupid we are for getting lost so easily, before we finally find the right place. The apartment house looks a bit run down and it's probably pretty old. We take the old creepy elevator up, it's probably not very safe... But our apartment is on the seventh floor out of ten and there is no fucking chance that we can carry all our belongings up the stairs. Surprisingly enough I don't die in this fucking elevator today, but I might in the future though... just saying... We get out of it and stand in front of the door to our new home.

Kyle fumbles through his pockets and grabs the house key we got in the mail a while ago. His hands are shaking too much and there is no way in hell that he can open that door himself in this state.

My poor, beautiful Kyle is nervous and absolutely terrified of this. I feel so sorry for him.

Kyle reasons with himself for a moment before he hands me the key. I grab it and positions it in front of the lock carefully. My other hand lets go of the suitcase it's holding and reaches out for Kyle's shaky, free hand and holds it tightly.

"It'll be alright Kyle... No need to worry... Not at all..." I tell him in a soothing voice, and it seems to help since he takes a deep breath and then he isn't as shaky. He's still shaky, but not as much.

"You're right Kenny..." He tells me with a gentle smile, even though I can see the fear in his eyes. I put the key in the lock and twist it. The door unlocks with a click.

"Here we go..." I say softly and smile at Kyle, trying to support him as much as I can. Kyle nods and I then open the front door to our new home. The door creeks a little.

* * *

The apartment is pretty small but it's still really nice. Already furnished too which is a bonus. It has a tiny hallway, a small but nice looking bathroom, a kitchen that might get a little cramped if we were to have someone over, a relatively small bedroom with a king-sized bed that barely fits into the room and a cute little living room. We get a beautiful view of the city from every single window in the home too.

We put our luggage down before we look around the house for a bit. When we've looked basically everywhere I feel like I need to ask Kyle something.

"Do you like it?" I ask carefully, since Kyle has had that same scared look on his face this entire time. He turns around and looks at me with watery eyes.

"It's beautiful..." He exclaims and hugs me tightly. "Our home..."

"Yeah... Home sweet home..." I answer, with a smile on my face. I then stand on my tiptoes and kiss him, pouring all the love and happiness possible into it, and I know that he does the same. For a second there is nothing in the world, except for the two of us, right here in this moment. I love you Kyle, and this is just perfect. It's almost magical, being here with you, like this, in this new place, this new world, that we don't know. A fresh start for the both of us. We really need that, don't we? We've been through a lot of things these past few months after all. Kyle. With you by my side this will be everything I could ever dream of, I just know it.

I'm curious and I wonder what the future has in store for us. But I have a feeling that it's something great... Something wonderful.


	23. Epilogue

Kyle's POV:

Life turned out alright. No, life turned out great. I never thought, so many years ago, when I was 18, and felt so hurt, that it'd ever be alright. That we'd ever be truly happy. I'm glad I was wrong.

When we left this strange mountain town, when I felt scared out of my mind, we left the pain from our pasts too. I never thought Kenny could leave that behind. But he did.

We've come a long way now, together. I'm not surprised really. I knew that Kenny and I would make it through all of this, together.

It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years now, since Kenny and I first got together.

* * *

The front door opens with a creek. I walk inside and I close the door behind me.

"Welcome home..." Kenny says with a grin on his face as he walks into the hallway. I smile at him and our eyes meet. Kenny's eyes are still just as beautiful as they were so many years ago. It feels like Kenny hasn't aged a bit, he looks almost the same as 12 years ago, but just a bit more presentable. He isn't "that poor kid who sucks dick for money" anymore after all.

Kenny did become a writer. When I was studying in Denver he devoted his time to writing, and it paid off. After three years of hard work the book he had written finally got published. It was the story of his own life. I was so proud of him. I still am. After that he has managed to get 4 more books published, and I can't believe it. Kenny is just amazing.

I finished my studies and became a psychologist. It was a good choice. I'm happy with doing what I do. Helping people. I know Kenny became something bigger than me, but that's fine. I'm so happy for him. He's earned this. And I'm perfectly happy doing what I do as well. I don't need anything more.

Kenny walks over to me and stands on his tiptoes to kiss me. Some things never change. Kenny didn't grow any more at all and is still stuck at 165 cm. I grew 2 more centimeters and Kenny wasn't all that thrilled actually. But it didn't matter, cause Kenny loves me, and my height, just like I am. And I love Kenny. I don't give a shit about him being short...

The kiss is soft and loving, yet passionate. Kissing him now is just like when we were young and newly in love. I still get the same wonderful feeling every time. We pull away and Kenny smiles at me.

"Happy anniversary!" He tells me and ruffles my red locks of hair gently.

* * *

We suddenly hear rapidly approaching footsteps. Someone is running down the stairs. We both instantly know who it is.

"Daddy!" A childish voice yells, and soon the child has flung herself into my arms, happily hugging me close.

"Carolyn..." I say her name with a smile on my lips.

I originally never thought I'd have children. I mean, even though it's biologically possible, I never thought I'd actually get pregnant. I'm a man, it's not like I'd want to get pregnant... But being sloppy once and not having a condom made it end up that way. It was actually on our wedding night that it happened too... Kenny and I got married when we were both 24. It felt like the right thing to do, and it was. When we got married, we returned to South Park and bought ourselves a house here, after 6 long years in Denver. Even though this place is filled with bad memories, they can't hurt us anymore. Cause the past is the past.

Long story short, I ended up getting pregnant anyway. I hate thinking about that time in my life even today. Kenny and I were faced with a complicated situation, and we had to make a decision. Somehow we ended up keeping the child. The pregnancy itself was terrible. I just felt so wrong in my own body and I stayed locked up at home almost all the time. I was scared, and I hated my body so much. Basically everyone in town found out that I'm transgender as well. This time was very hard on me, even though I found out that everyone was alright with it, and I wasn't treated any differently. But I felt different. I felt wrong. So wrong.

After 9 months of hell I ended up giving birth to a daughter, mine and Kenny's child. This somewhat made up for all the suffering, but Kenny and I had a mutual understanding of the situation. Never again. No more children. I don't want to go through this torture ever again.

We named her Carolyn. We had a hard time coming up with a name for her. But Kenny randomly suggested the name Carolyn and I thought it was beautiful so we settled for that.

* * *

Carolyn, who is now 5 years old, looks up at me happily and grins, in the same way Kenny always does.

"I missed you!" She exclaims, and our eyes meet.

Carolyn's eyes are strange, I have no idea how they managed to become that way. One of her eyes, the left one, is a pure, shining ocean blue, just like Kenny's. But her right one is emerald green, and it's almost sparkling, like mine. But they're beautiful on her, so beautiful. Carolyn's hair is blonde, like Kenny's, and it's now up in two pigtails. But her hair is still a little curly, like my own. Freckles dust her cheeks as well, she got that from me too.

"I'm sorry sweetie... You know that I had to work." I tell Carolyn kindly, and she nods.

When Kenny and I came back to South Park, I ended up being able to work as a psychologist here too, which is amazing. Kenny is still a writer, and a stay at home father watching over our precious little Carolyn. I love her so much. Our little happy, bubbly, sweet, little daughter.

"Should we go? Kenny asks us with a smile on his face. Carolyn and I both nod. We leave the house and walk to where we're supposed to go. Kenny and I hold hands the entire walk, and Carolyn is holding Kenny's other hand firmly.

* * *

Kenny still dies from time to time, and then gets resurrected. But not nearly as often as when we were younger for some reason. I still get this uneasy feeling whenever he's gone for too long, even though I know that he'll come back to us soon. I don't know what I'll tell Carolyn in the future... She already notices when he's not there, but I can never explain to her why he's gone. I don't want her to know yet. I don't know for how long I can come up with excuses for his disappearances though... I'm not sure of how long I can keep stalling for time.

* * *

We arrive at the house and knock on the front door. In a few second it's flung open. In front of us stands two pale children. Both of them have short hair, black as charcoal, and amethyst colored eyes. One of them is skinny, and a bit taller, while the other one is shorter and a little pudgy. The shorter one stands behind his older brother and hides a little, being shy, while the other stands there proudly and happily.

"Carolyn!" The older brother exclaims with a smile on his face, a smile so similar to their fathers.

"Kyle! Eric!" She says happily to the boys. Kyle being the older, at age 6, and Eric being the younger one, at age 4. The boys move out of the way and let us into the house. Carolyn runs off with the other two children to play in the garden while Kenny and I end up standing there alone in the hallway for a moment. A beautiful lady with long jet black hair, currently in a braid, and large amethyst eyes soon appears in front of us. She's wearing an apron with a flower pattern on it and has a happy smile on her face.

"Children..." She says with a small sigh. "Come on in you guys, everyone else is in the living room... Dinner is almost ready as well..."

* * *

Wendy Testaburger. Stan and her moved out of the cramped house soon after we left town, and they bought this beautiful big home. Wendy ended up becoming the nurse that she wanted to be, and Stan settled with continuing to work as a geologist, being satisfied this way. They got married as early as at age 21. And I swear to god, I've never once seen a bride as beautiful as Wendy was that day. A while later they ended up getting two beautiful sons together.

Wendy disappears into the kitchen, and Kenny and I walk into the living room, our hands still intertwined. And much like she told us everyone is in the living room. Stan is sitting there in a chair with a smile on his face, while Craig is sitting in the couch, with an arm wrapped around his partners shoulder.

Kenny was right back then, Craig did have an interest in someone. Though it took him two years to actually muster up the strength to ask the person out. I never thought that the two of them would work together, but apparently they do. Craig's partner suffers from severe anxiety, is extremely jittery and drinks way to much coffee. But Craig can't say anything about the coffee addiction since he still smokes way too much, and he himself loves coffee... Craig can oddly enough deal with all of Tweek's strange personality traits, and they're doing great together. They're engaged, and their wedding is planned for next summer. Don't expect any children on their part though. It's not like Craig has anything against kids, but he absolutely does not want any of his own, and Tweek seems to be alright with that.

* * *

Kenny and I say hi to everybody, and Stan stands up and I get a hug. He's slightly taller than he used to be when we were younger, but other than that he is still the same Stan, he even smells exactly the same. His smell feels kinda nostalgic. It's weird to think back at how we used to be a couple, throughout a big part of my childhood, and most of my teenage years. But I'm glad that we ended up like this, just as best friend, or maybe I should say super best friends.

"Dinner is ready!" Wendy tells us, from the dining room where she has set up all the dishes neatly. We all gather around there, and sit down, except for the children who aren't there yet...

"Carolyn! Kyle! Eric!" Wendy yells loudly as to make the children hear her.

* * *

I never thought Stan and Wendy would name their children what they did name them. They named a child after me and that felt like such an honor, I think I actually cried when they told me. Stan did too, cause Stan is such a crybaby...

I was really confused at first when they told me the name of their second child. Why the fuck would they name their child after Cartman? When I asked Stan he just shrugged and told me " Cartman was an important part of our lives... Whether you like it or not... And I want my child's name to mean something..." Then I understood what Stan meant.

* * *

The kids all run into the dining room and take their seats alongside us. The three of them get along really well, and that makes me happy.

Just living this life, right here and right now, makes me happy. All these hardships that we faced, all these painful experiences, all the tears shed, they weren't in vain. We ended up in a good place, in a happy place.

That night in the rain, when everything changed, when everything hurt so much, too much to bear, for all of us, that night feels so far away. It's been 12 years, 12 long years, and now we are all finally were we belong. Right here, together.

I love you with all of my heart Kenny. You and Carolyn are my everything. Neither of us had a place were we really belonged, Kenny, but we found each other, and even though it hurt so much, it all became right in the end. I love you. Forever, and ever.

* * *

We dig in and the food is absolutely delicious, as expected of Wendy.

* * *

I can't believe how far we've come in these 12 years. I'm really proud of us. All of us. We aren't the same as we used to be, not at all. But I think that's a good thing. Cause life brings changes, and those changes, those experiences, are what makes you who you are. I feel like an entirely different person from what I was when I was 18, and I probably am. But one thing hasn't changed at least. All of me still belongs to Kenny McCormick, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Never.

And that is in fact how our story ends. It ends just like that cheesy "happily ever after" crap that no one actually believes in...

* * *

The End


End file.
